Malachi will go back into surgery (#22 for him and #53ish between both boys; I keep losing count!) tomorrow when they can squeeze him into the schedule to 1) retrieve the broken screw 2) to cut off the piece of the rod that was being held down by the screw and 3) to surgically pin a metal halo into Malachi’s skull.

For the next several weeks we will be living in the hospital as he undergoes halo traction. Halo-gravity traction is a way to pull the head and spine upward carefully, applying a slow stretch to the spine. The halo will attach to a pulley system and over several weeks, weights are added to the pulley system to slowly pull the head upward.

As you can imagine, this is an overwhelming plan for us to process as a family. And the amount of pain Malachi has to go through is emotionally breathtaking. Malachi’s suffering is the primary overwhelming thing for us right now. Then there are the peripheral things (that are still very big things), like Levi and how he will handle this distance and change in life.

After a few weeks in halo traction Malachi will go straight into surgery to have a full spinal fusion done. They are worried that without halo traction that the screws that are still remaining in his spine will also be pulled out. Our hope is to do the next big surgery mid to late March based on how much we can get his spine and skin to stretch with traction.

We are still processing what this will look like for our family. The most common thing we keep hearing is “aside from prayers, how can we help?” And up until now we have been managing well! But with this new course there will definitely be needs that arise…gas for Jake and Levi’s trips to visit, hotel rooms, meals for Leah in the hospital, etc. Right now the only thing that Malachi keeps asking for is new movies, so we have been renting several on Amazon to keep him entertained and happy. When I have time to breathe I will work out a list of our needs and be ready to answer that question when people ask if you feel led to come alongside of us in this new trial. We have always felt so cringey about accepting help from others, but that is entirely due to pride that we need to simply lay down. We are NOT soliciting funds but if you would like to fill any of these needs our Venmo is @leah-carroll-30.

I had a big ol’ cry this evening as I felt such big emotions for Malachi. How do you explain all of this to a 12 year old that has already lived such a hard life….who has already had such a hard WEEK? How do you begin to make sense of it. I would lay down my life for him in a heartbeat, but there is nothing I can do to take this cross from him.

Tonight my mind immediately went to a story in the Old Testament about Hagar and Ishmael. Abraham had turned her out of his house and into the wilderness.

Genesis 21:15-20 “She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba. When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, “I cannot watch the boy die.” And as she sat there, she began to sob. God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.” Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. God was with the boy as he grew up.”

Oh how my heart matches Hagar’s this evening as she laid her child under the bushes and stepped away, her heart breaking as she watched his suffering.

But God heard the boy crying.

And I know God has heard my cries this evening. And he has heard the inner thoughts of my non-verbal son.

And I am confident that God will open up our eyes soon and allow us to find our well of water.

Because He is good. Even when life isn’t.

I was reading Corrie Ten Boom last night as she wrote about her visit to a men’s prison. She writes, “Lord, how can I speak about joy when they live in this terrible place?”

She goes on to say: “His answer was, My Holy Spirit is here. Joy is a fruit of My Spirit, and it is available wherever I am.”

Please pray that we are filled with the joy of the Lord again and can walk in His confidence. And keep Malachi in your prayers tomorrow as he undergoes another surgery and we enter a new world.

Sincerely,

Leah