The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

This week I read through this chapter and grew unexpectedly emotional, starting to feel the weight of the season we are entering. I have talked about this before, but when you have medically complex children you are asked to walk often through the valley of the shadow of death. While these upcoming surgeries for both boys are not expected to be life threatening, they take us into a world where both of them have faced death. And the memories of those experiences have seemingly woven themselves into my DNA, creating such anxiety in me when we have to re-enter those places.

That anxiety is felt by all of us. I am then challenged to try to protect my boys from absorbing it, as each of them carry unique anxieties of their own and shouldn’t have to bear mine.

We have been through the valley before. We know how to pack. We know how to prepare. We know how to get there. But it doesn’t make the trip any less dreadful.

Each year, around a month before his summer surgeries, Levi begins to have intense anxiety and cannot let me out of his sight when he is home. This week it has started, and he has to be by my side at all times. We are doing our best to keep our days busy and keep his mind focused on other things.

This weekend Levi wrapped up his outdoor soccer league. He was a social butterfly, definitely more interested in hanging out with the cool college players that coached his team than actually playing the game. But He smiled at the end of each session, and practiced some independence so we consider it a win.

After his final game I asked Levi to pose in the yard with his medal. He asked if his daddy could take a photo with him, which we happily did.

But after that photo he said “Mom, we have to go in and get a photo with Malachi too! I don’t want him to feel left out.”

So we did just that. And of course my heart melted seeing Levi be so intentional, and seeing such joy from Malachi.

Malachi enjoyed sitting on the sideline this season and listening to the games each week. He loves a good competition.

Tomorrow Malachi and I will make a 6 hour round trip to Vanderbilt to meet with his new urologist. I have such mixed feelings about this appointment. I was trying to explain my emotions to Jake this evening and was able to explain it a bit like this…

Vanderbilt moves patients through like a factory. Most hospitals do, but they seem more focused than others on getting you in and out as quickly as possible.

We are meeting with a brand new department tomorrow, which means I will have about 15 minutes to communicate his current and relevant past health, current and past urinary issues, our family’s goals/priorities for Malachi’s life (which don’t often match medical flow charts), and come up with a course of action. I expect we will leave with an operating room date penciled in for more Botox injections and a follow up appointment. I am already a little fragile at the moment with dread for the upcoming few weeks so I am really hoping for a productive and thorough appointment where we can feel seen and heard and my son is treated with the dignity and respect he deserves.

Malachi is aware of his upcoming surgery on his hip, and surprisingly he is very clearly signing that he wants to have it done each time I present the option. He has emphasized that his hip is causing him pain. I am so thankful for his ability to communicate with us. And his brave little heart never ceases to amaze and humble me.

Malachi has hit another growth spurt in both weight and height. Just this week I have started to consider starting the process for a ceiling track system. There have been a few times lately where my confidence wavers when carrying him down the hallway to his changing table, and I don’t want to wait until we have an incident to get something safe in place.

We have been getting a lot of great Malachi smiles lately, and overall his health right now has been stable.

The boys have been coming to work with mom a lot lately, and get paid in animal snuggles.

So back to my intro verse above…

As the tears welled in my eyes this week reading through that familiar Psalm, God highlighted one of the verses for my heart.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

There is such comfort in realizing that God knows we are traveling back into that dark valley. He knows the weariness that aches in my bones. He sees the fear in the eyes of my children. He sees through my facade of confidence and sees my brokenness as a mother, unable to take away the pain in my children.

Yet in all of this, He has prepared a table for us. He has created a respite for us in our weariness, a table overflowing with His peace.

That prepared table reminds me that sometimes the valley of the shadow of death is exactly where we are meant to be. It is in that very valley that we learn the depth of the love of God.

In the darkness we have no other option but to follow our Shepherd- sustained by his provision, guarded by his protection, and wrapped in his divine comfort.

It is in the valley we feel the gentle nudges of his staff, guiding us away from the danger and towards the paths of righteousness. Those nudges are often dulled when we are in our world of comfort, but magnified in the echoing valley.

It is there where we see the droplets from His anointing drip off of our heads, saturating the unknown ground and reminding us that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. He will give us a portion of His strength- the exact amount needed to fulfill the tasks He is calling us to.

His abundance. His mercy. His goodness.

The valley trains our eyes to look to Him.

And the table is evidence that He is leading us to the exact place we are meant to be.

Please remember our family over the next several weeks in your prayers. Specific prayer needs right now are Levi’s anxiety, our endurance, and Malachi’s peace.

Much love,

Leah