Do What Makes You Holy

The theme of the week has unfortunately been seizures. Our sweet Malachi is having a very hard time right now and is having between 8-14 seizures a day. Most of the larger ones are at night and at this point they still seem to be gut related (due to increased secretions/swallowing because of incoming teeth). The nighttime ones have been scaring him so they end with him crying very loudly and it is in turn waking up Levi, who immediately starts crying because brother is upset. This cycle continues all throughout the night and frankly we are exhausted and my spirits have been down.

Malachi has intractable epilepsy (seizures that can’t fully be controlled) and Lennox Gastaut syndrome which means he will continue to develop different seizure types as he grows. Right now he has four different seizures types, all coming from different damaged areas in his brain. Seizures are a symptom of brain damage, and with no was to “fix” his brain they are going to continue to be a large part of Malachi’s life.

There is constantly the lingering worry that something large is causing the seizures, like a shunt malfunction. But in order to get that checked he would need to have a CT scan at the hospital so I want to be certain that the trip would be necessary as it would expose Malachi to a pretty COVID covered place. Pain relievers seem to be making a slight difference which makes me feel like shunt issues are not the culprit.

With Malachi sleeping just 2-4 hours each night, most of our daytime hours are spent in a daze. Thankfully Jake came home on Tuesday evening and was able to help take some night shifts this weekend. I am not going to lie- I have spent most nights this week in tears calling out to God.

Even Levi has been praying for Malachi, as you can see in this sweet video:

Alright, now time to focus on the positives…

Our playground project is coming along well! I think the plan is to actually construct the playset this week and both boys are still giddy with the anticipation.

Speaking of overwhelming joy, here is a video of Levi opening some jeans that his grandma sent him. He has an obsession with blue jeans right now and equates them with getting to leave the house. We only had two pairs of jeans and if they were in the hamper he would meltdown. Grandma came to the rescue and sent a few more pairs.

Malachi has been exhausted but still silly and giggly. We have been playing a few round of baseball with the boys each night before Jake goes to bed.

I have caught little Levi doing Bible studies this week like his mommy and daddy. He pretends to underline and hearing him pretend to read the Bible (even when it is upside down) is so sweet to me. My thoughts keep wandering to his future and what God might have in store for him as he grows into a young man.

I had several comments on last week’s blog about wanting a copy of the small group/family devotional our church recently created. We have found a way to mail them, and I have also created a PDF version if you or your church would like to print your own. It is not the most faith shaking, earth shattering devotional you will ever read but it is a GREAT resource for people who may feel intimidated to start those types of conversations in their homes and social circles. Email me at if you would like one. They are completely free! And if you commented last week and didn’t get my reply send me an email.

As I mentioned before, this has been an emotional week for me. The only way to stop Malachi’s seizures is to help get a burp out of him. It is a very physically taxing process that only gets more difficult the more he grows. When his body is in a seizure he engages every muscle and he becomes insanely strong. If I am holding him during one, my muscles shake with the pressure of keeping him upright and safe. I wake up sore every morning from simply taking care of my child. And that makes me so sad.

But aside from all of that there is a little boy who is scared of his own body. Helping Malachi navigate some of the hard things in his life can be so challenging, as I have to often fake my own fear to calm his. Seeing the fear in his eyes is so very hard. Even he has been dreading the nighttime this week.

I have been explaining to God that I feel so unqualified for this journey. Unqualified in so many ways.

But then He gently reminds me that He looks for the unqualified. Being qualified for something brings pride, arrogance, and self-reliance. Being unqualified brings a sense of humility that keeps me connected to the Vine.

John 15:5-8 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

But in addition to feeling unqualified, I have been so unhappy. At the risk of sounding selfish, there hasn’t been much in the week that has made me smile. Gosh, reading that sentence makes me feel guilty for even typing it. But transparency with you all is so important to me.

But even in the unhappiness I have been experiencing I have remembered a truth:

Life isn’t full of just happy moments, and it is in some of the more miserable ones that we have the opportunity to truly please the Lord with our heart and our actions.

I don’t know if you are in a dry season like me right now, having to search hard for things to smile about. But if so, let’s try to refocus our thoughts towards things that bring us closer to the Lord. Open your Bible, turn up that praise music in the car, speak aloud to him. Don’t let your unhappiness lead you away from the source of all joy.

I am going to be tackling the book of Daniel in my quiet time over the next two weeks if anyone wants to join me. There are 12 chapters total, so I plan to read one a night for the next two weeks. He is such a good example of remaining unstained by the world, and right now I need those reminders!

Much love,


Doorway Devotions

Every now and then I step back and self reflect on why I am writing this blog. I think if I were to isolate the top reasons why the list would look like this, in no particular order:

  1. To help other medically complex families and those who may share diagnoses and lifestyles.
  2. To help non-medically complex families understand some of the ups and down many of us will never verbalize.
  3. To point people towards Christ through the lives of my children and my own struggles as an ill equipped mother.

There are several other reasons and hidden blessings that could be on that list, but each week when I write I try to focus on these. I try to remove all self glorification or exaggeration from them, as our pride often leads us toward those tendencies. And I try to not use it as a weapon, making people in our circles uncomfortable to be around us for fear of what I may write.

And I thoroughly enjoy writing! It allows me to reset my mind and reflect on our successes and failures throughout the week. I am still in awe that you all come back each week to read about the mundane things in our world, but it is evidence to me that God is still at work within it.

This week I want to share a bit with you all about special needs families and the toll it can take on marriages. Let me preface by saying that Jake and I still have hearts that beat in unison and God has given us such strength to preserve our relationship through even the most difficult circumstances we have encountered.

But oh boy, it is difficult!

I honestly can’t remember the last time Jake and I slept in the same bed. With increasing needs and wonky schedules, trying to sleep in the same room just isn’t an option right now. The boys are going to bed between 1:00-2:00am and Jake has to be up by 5:00 for work.

In an effort to get Malachi to sleep longer than 3 hours I sleep next to him and periodically shift his body throughout the night. Levi also sleeps in the room with Malachi and I in his own bed and wakes up screaming for me several times a night. Not to mention the frequent g-tube mishaps that hit throughout the night with each of them.

We are in a season of life where the life sustaining needs of our children outrank some of the aspects of our marriage, which is a little hard to grapple with. We have to be very intentional in making time for each other, and very gracious when our needs aren’t being met. It is a hidden difficulty many people, like myself, didn’t fully understand until we were tossed into it.

I talked a bit about the weird grieving process that can take place when you have to put some of your dreams for your life to death. Yes, there are many dreams that we are able to put “on hold” but some require being put to death in order to not continually fight bitterness. There are dreams that we grieve over for our children, for our marriage, and for ourselves.

Jake and I have been talking about this lately and discussing the things we always envisioned we would do had our life taken a more normal path. These realistic discussions allow us both to share our hearts and look for ways to bless each other.

This week Jake went on an adventure with his friends for his birthday. Yes, it has been exceptionally difficult to manage here alone without him but I also recognize how much both he and I need these opportunities in our lives. And sometimes those sacrifices are the best love language.

We had a group called Men and Women of Action come out this week and start the process of creating an accessible play area for the boys. In our minds we pictured them simply putting a playset together for us (that we purchased with local grant money) and making it Malachi friendly. But they came out and had bigger and better ideas and got right to work!

It is always extremely humbling accepting help from people, and we have had to reach our hands out often in the last 7 years for things that we just can’t physically do on our own. Each time God has sent blessings our way in the form of willing people. This group has blown us away with their work ethic and desire to help our boys experience some normal in their world.

Levi has been so incredibly excited this week, shouting “Playground!” when he wakes up each morning. Both he and Malachi love to watch them work and listen to the noises they generate.

I can’t wait to share photos with you of the finished product. I told Malachi that he could have some friends over for his birthday in a few weeks to play and he started giggling incessantly.

Side note- can you believe that he will be 8 years old in just under three weeks! It blows my mind to think it has been 8 whole years.

The kids and I have been hunkering down and simply surviving! Levi has been having some big outburst in behavior, like biting Malachi and clawing at his face so it has been a challenging week.

And lots and lots of temper tantrums.

Malachi has had a wonderful week as far as seizures go. At the beginning of the week he had a few days full of several large ones, and one very bad night with some massive ones that scared his sweet tender heart. But since Jake has been gone he has had less than 3 a day, which is truly a gift from God.

I have been closely monitoring his oxygen levels as he is still having random moments of discoloration and more shallow breathing. But it is always short lived and his levels come back up relatively quickly with position changes.

Here is a photo of Jake at the same age as Levi!

Both boys are still riding their horses each week and I am shocked at how well they are each doing. It is the highlight of their week and watching them from the sidelines is so special. So much of this world is hands on for me, so being able to enjoy watching them from afar is special.

I have been personally challenged lately at how well I disciple my own children. We talk about God often in our home, but I started really evaluating how intentional my discipleship has been with them.

We read the Bible stories to them, but as a youth leader I see the result of children who are raised with “knowledge” of the Bible and zero ability to apply it to their lives. We aren’t called to simply know the Word of God, we are also required to live it out.

I want my boys to understand what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus for their time here on earth.

I foolishly (or lazily maybe) assumed that Levi would be too young to retain much of what I say to him, but a few weeks ago I heard him reciting movie lines before they were said on the movie. It was a wake up call to me that if he had memorized portions of Disney movies then surely he could also start memorizing the Word of God and truths about who Jesus is.

We talk a whole lot about Jesus these days. Malachi always beams when we speak about Jesus and I tell Levi it is because Malachi got to spend some time in heaven when he was born. If you don’t know, Malachi’s heart stopped inside of me and they did 15 minutes of CPR on his 1 pound 12 ounce body before he came to life. We have always believed he spent this time in heaven.

Levi is absolutely awestruck by our Jesus talks and several times throughout the day I will catch him saying “Hi” to someone in the room, even though no one is there (creepy this week with Jake gone by the way). I will ask him who he is talking to and he will respond by telling me it is Jesus, or it is angels. Earlier today he was pretending to talk on the phone and when I asked him who was on the other line he said “Jesus” and went back to chatting.

As much as I work to prepare Malachi’s heart for the day he will meet Jesus, I find myself realizing that I need to prepare Levi’s heart for that loss as well. I know it sounds morbid to talk about Malachi’s death, and we have not been given a specific number for life expectancy. But based on many studies and other kids with similar conditions it is safe to assume that we will outlive Malachi.

I want so desperately for both of my children to know and understand what is awaiting them in heaven. And I also want them to know that our time on earth is meant for bringing glory to God.

We have been tackling lots of service projects this week to help them understand walking like Jesus walked. As we are tackling one of those projects I explain to the boys that we are doing this because it was what Jesus would have done, and how Jesus showed His love to others. Levi is like a sponge when he listens, and cheers like a wild man each time we do a “Jesus project”.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

This verse has been on my heart for several months, clearly planted there by the Holy Spirit. Discipling our children should be one of our top priorities as Christians. So often people lean on the church to do that job for them, but the Bible is very clear that God conversations should be a norm in the home, not a rarity.

I also understand that those conversations are hard to start having, especially if your children are older and not used to them. So along with this verse pressed on my heart, God also gave me clear directions to put together a devotional book for families. It is very simple so that even a new believer can facilitate one of the devotions. And the conversations are easy enough that a child as young as 6 can participate.

There are 50 pages, and the concept is that you tear out one page a week and tape it on a frequently passed spot in the home. On that page is a question and a memory verse for the week. You have 6 days to think of your answer to the question and attempt to memorize the verse, should you choose to do so. Then on day 7 everyone in the family or group meets and discusses the answer to the question. On the back side is a short Bible study with verses to look up and questions to prompt open discussions.

An example of some of the questions:

What is one thing someone said to you that you will never forget?

What is one adjective that God could say about you that you would be proud to hear?

What earthly thing do you treasure the most and why?

What is something you have had to wait patiently for?

Jake and I have been working on preparing this book for several weeks and it was officially printed this week! Our church will be distributing them throughout the community in an attempt to bring the Word of God into homes, as so many are not able to attend church right now. The responsibility to disciple has been placed back into the hands of parents, and we are finding many feel ill equipped.

If you are local to the Chattanooga, TN area and would like a copy send me a message and we will get it to you. Or if you would like a stack for your church just let us know. They are completely free!

So why bring this up? Through this project I have been reminded that when God calls you to do something He will always open the doors and provide the directions. This project has been no exception as God made this project a fun one instead of an added stress.

I hope that when you feel the prodding of God that you will readily and happily follow His lead. God is simply looking for obedience!

P.S. And another awkward ending to an entry haha. We ended up with one of those nights that I dread, staying up until 5:30 due to some Malachi seizures followed by a tummy ache. I guess I typed the praises from the week a bit too soon! Please pray that today is a decent day.

God bless,


Love Perseveres

This week we have been fighting some pretty big seizures with Malachi. Any form of discomfort brings on the seizures, and we are still leaning towards them being related to his incoming teeth and the increased secretions that process brings. We have had some pretty wonky nights this week staying up until 4am battling the seizure beast.

On one of his more difficult nights I noticed a bit of discoloration on his upper lip so I grabbed the pulse oximeter to check his oxygen levels. He was dropped down to 91, which is lower than his normal. When we hit 88 we typically take him on in to the hospital. Within the hour we were able to get him back up to 94 with positioning and secretion management, and his color went back to normal. We are keeping a close eye on him and checking him often, but he has been back to baseline this weekend.

And little Levi of course wanted me to check his oxygen levels as well and he was at 98! This is so good for him and means his airway is still nice and wide.

But overall the boys are still very healthy and happy. Before I joined the medical mama club I never fully understood the hidden tasks of that life. Each month we receive shipments of medical supplies…boxes and boxes of necessary things to get them through each month…formulas, feed bags, pule oximeter sensors, medications, adult diapers, syringes…

Organizing them when they arrive is quite the task and some months I am overwhelmed by it. But I am also thankful for it as I recognize it allows children like mine to live happy, healthy lives outside of the hospital setting.

We tackled another g-tube change this week, something that I utterly hate doing as it means I have to inflict a bit of discomfort on my children. Malachi handles it like a champ, and I can swap his out in under 30 seconds. But poor Levi starts crying the minute a new tube box comes out of the drawer. When he contracts his ab muscles while crying it makes it more difficult to get the old tube out and the new one in. Despite the tears, this was the best changeout we have ever had for him!

Malachi’s new switch adapted dice roller got some action this week! We played Candy Land, Trouble, and lots of Rattlesnake Jake. Seeing Malachi come alive with these games is so much fun to watch. He is so engaged and competitive!

Malachi has been struggling a bit lately with feeling included, something we are typically very conscientious about but clearly still don’t have mastered. Little things this week sparked crocodile tears, like me running to the basement to throw in a load of laundry. I always tell him where I am going and what I am doing, but Levi often follows me making Malachi think we are doing something fun without him.

I think it is safe to say that my heart breaks a bit for Malachi each and every day. Inside of that body is a seven year old boy who is mentally so typical. He understands everything around him, including emotional tension and unspoken things. He truly is an amazing kid, something I tell him every night before we go to bed. My heart hurts that he can’t do the things he truly wants to do.

Including him is always a top priority for us, but the larger he gets the harder that is to do. Piggy back rides, dancing in the living room, trips down to the basement to play….all of those things are already getting more difficult for me. I am trying really hard to stay in the present, but my mind keeps drifting towards the future disappointments Malachi will encounter that I can’t prevent.

This week a friend turned 40 so we rented out a local workshop that helps you create your own custom signs. Everyone was able to stay masked and six feet apart making it a great option for a memory. As I looked through the projects to choose from on their website I wanted to stick with the scripture theme we have in our home.

When I saw this one I knew it was the one for me!

1 Corinthians 13 has been a favorite scripture of mind since college days. When Jake and I were married in 2008 our bridesmaids recited the chapter in our wedding ceremony. I have this chapter memorized and recite pieces of it often, but sometimes seeing the words of God can spark something new in your heart. I substitute my name in for the word “love” when I really need to re-focus.

In these workshops, you complete your work of art in about 3 hours and take it home with you. As soon as I carried it in I Jake gladly hung it in it’s chosen spot above the pantry. Ignore the wild three year old on the counter.

I don’t know about you, but when I add something new to the house my eyes are drawn to it often as it is something I am not used to seeing. This sign has been no exception, and each time I glance up at it my eyes are drawn to a different word.

The more I have read that sign, the more I have recognized that my love for others is still a far cry from the love of Christ. There are things on the list that I have mastered, but many others I still have to work on.

As I self reflected on that list I kept eyeing that last string of words: “It (love) always protect, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” The words seemed so familiar to my heart, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint why.

After a few days I finally spotted it. It was the love that immediately developed in my heart for Malachi the night he was born. It wasn’t a love I had to work at, it was a natural love. It was a fierce love for a tiny 1 pound 12 ounce boy I had just met.

As I thought about those early, hard days with Malachi I see how this special love from God fueled that journey. I watched that love burst into action again the night Levi was born. And each year when I think that love can’t grow any bigger I watch in amazement as it strengthens and grows.

I often get genuinely well meaning comments from people saying “I don’t know how you do it”, and the truth is that when God gifted these boys to me, He gifted me with an extraordinary, supernatural love for them that would fight to protect, hope, and persevere alongside of them in each of their unique journeys.

Love is a gift from God.

The love that 1 Corinthians 13 describes is utterly impossible to develop without the presence of Christ in your life. When we talk about Christians being different than the world, this type of unique and unwarranted love for others is what we should all be praying desperately to develop.

It is the love that Christ displayed as He walked this earth, healing the broken and loving those deemed unlovable. It is a love that often goes against human nature. But if we claim to be followers of Christ, shouldn’t we be eager and willing to love others as He does?

My prayer is that one day that the same natural love in my heart that I have for my own children will grow into love for others. That I will start being able to see others the way that God sees them and the adjectives in 1 Corinthians 13 become a natural instinct in my life.

When we choose to look different than the world, we have to find ways to live differently than the world. Love seems like a great place to start.

I apologize in advance for any choppiness in my writings tonight. It is 1:30am and Malachi and Levi are still wild and active. Trying to hold my train of thought is not working so well. I am off to wrangle these kids!

Much love,


Fixing Our Eyes

This week Jake headed north to spend some quality time with family before he returns to work tomorrow. We had discussed us all making the trip, but the idea of traveling with the boys while trying to keep them germ free seemed like a stretch. And the daily routines are getting more complicated to achieve anywhere else but here at home base.

Single momma mode can get interesting but overall the week went really well. The role of caregiver is mentally, physically, and emotionally challenging- even with Jake home to give me breaks here and there. We are still very much living in a survival mode mentality, allowing the boys and their needs to dictate our days and schedules. We have routines that can’t be flexible, like medications and feeding schedules, and there is something medical required for one or both of the boys every 2.5 hours during the daytime hours. There isn’t an opportunity to mentally zone out.

Nighttime is still an olympic event, dashing from one boy to the other at least 6 times a night for beeping machines, seizures, and vomiting.

Levi feeding the dinosaur shredded cheese

For example, last night Malachi had 6 big seizures and projectile vomited all over the bed and carpet. He stayed up until a little before 4am, crying and screaming with discomfort. I suspect his incoming teeth have something to do with this. These types of unpredictable nights happen often, and the boys seem to have a unqiue way of alternating who is going to be a wild man each night. I guess I am thankful for that…if both of them have a bad night at the same time we are in for doozy!

Levi’s new hand-me-down ride

I tried to wear the boys out this week with lots of trips in the car and spending some time with local family. We even made a trip down to Atlanta to visit with my brother and his family. Just as a precaution, I went and had a rapid covid test done to make sure we weren’t somehow carrying something to them.

Jake and I are both “dog people”. We have always loved having big dogs, but with the chaos of each of the boy’s births we had to prioritize kids over animals and rely on family members to help with the dogs during our hospital stays. Our sweet Gunner had a heart attack when Malachi was 3 years old, and our old boy Boomer had a heart attack just a few weeks after we returned home from the hospital with Levi in 2018.

A carefree Jake and Leah from 2011; seems like a lifetime ago!

Malachi loved Boomer and Gunner so much, and we have always talked about getting another dog. But then reality sets in and with the unpredictability that our life brings, we find ourselves questioning if it is responsible to bring a dog into the mix. We still don’t have a grasp on taking care of our children’s needs, let alone adding the needs of a four legged friend.

But then there is sweet Malachi, clearly a dog loving boy, who makes us rethink it all. Anytime a dog comes near, Malachi lights up with such joy. We sneak the neighbor dogs in every now and then when they come into our yard just to see him giggle. My brother has a big dog and watching Malachi play with him made my heart so happy.

I am still not convinced that right now is the best time to add in the chaos, but maybe one day in the future we can explore the idea again.

We also spent the week working on potty training, which means I spent the week mopping the floors with sanitizing solution!

Let me take just a quick second to blow your minds with how much Levi looks like Jake. So wild!

Jake came home late Friday and brought a few presents for the boys from our family up north. Both of the boys were thrilled to have their dad home and having him bring special surprises made it that much more special.

Malachi got two new switch adapted toys and he is super excited about both of them. Finding toys for Malachi is quite the challenge, but these he can control with his green switch. The tube one has a racecar inside, and when Malachi presses his green switch the car races until he lets go. He has played with this one for hours already!

He also got this switch adapted squirt gun that shoots water every time Malachi hits his green switch!

And little Levi got a really cool toy I wanted to share with you all! The newest Paw Patrol character is in a wheelchair and Levi got his own handicap accessible truck to play with. So sweet.

Malachi got a fun new game called “Rattlesnake Jake” that we have been saving for when Jake returned from his trip. We got to play a few rounds this afternoon and I can tell you this one is a winner. You have to sneak your hand in and grab a gold nugget and each time you do the rattlesnake shakes its tail. You take turns doing this until the snake lunges at someone and they are the loser of the game. The anticipation sets Malachi into giggles, and playing it has been so good from an occupational therapy mindset because he has to open his hands to grab a piece of gold (with help of course). We played at least 12 round and he was still signing for more.

Last week I was struggling with the unknowns of our life. And this week I am struggling with the knowns. Isn’t it wild how quickly the devil can redirect his attacks on our hearts?

The unknowns of life with two medically complex kids keep my imagination running with what ifs. I start to mentally prepare for scenarios that may never happen in an effort to prepare my heart for what may be on the horizon. It isn’t a healthy habit, something I am very aware of.

But this week I got stuck on the knowns. Yes, there are so many levels of unpredictability. But there are also so so so many levels of predictable things in our life that almost feel like a heavy blanket we will always need to carry with us. These are the things that are necessary for our kids to survive, and things we can never ignore. There will always be medication, surgeries, appointments, therapies, sleeping difficulties, seizures, diaper changes…this will always be a complicated life.

Often parents can get through the chaos of the early years and life mellows out a bit. As children change and grow older they develop independence and don’t require their parents as much for menial tasks. But that reprieve will never come for us. There will never be a time when traveling with the boys is “easier” or less complicated. In fact, we are finding it to be quite the opposite as Malachi grows, as most places aren’t equipped for us to comfortably care for his needs.

I get sad when I dwell in the knowns. It is an odd sadness, because I am extremely grateful to be trusted by God for the role He has put me in. But there is a level of mourning as I put to death many dreams, hobbies, and expectations. These are things I have always clung do with a “maybe one day” tacked in the front. But I am realizing that clinging to those unrealistic expectations is doing me more damage than good and has potential to plant seeds of bitterness in my heart.

I am working this week to embrace the calling God has put on my life. There are so many rich blessings within it that I can often overlook when I am not in the mood to find them.

This calling doesn’t even remotely resemble the one I had envisioned I would have, so I feel like embracing it is a way to honor God and affirm his role of lordship in my life.

Hebrews 12:1-3 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

I feel like I am at a point in the race when I look around and start to wonder how in the world I got here. I have forgotten the work God did early on before the race to prepare me for it, and I have forgotten the zeal that I had when that starting pistol fired into the air the night Malachi was born.

When I started running I didn’t give a thought to the finish line, or lack of one. And now that we are several miles in I find that I am not conditioned for this type of task, and that I am don’t always enjoy the hard work the running takes. I keep looking around for a place to step to the side and rest, but this race doesn’t work like that…others lives depend on my ability to keep running.

And truthfully the idea of a finish line, or a break in this hard life will likely be surrounded by imaginable grief in the loss of my child. I dread the finish line.

What started as an adventure now feels like a chore. Is there something in your life that you can relate that to?

But this verse gives us a tip that can help with our weariness. Instead of looking for the finish line, fix your eyes on Christ. Instead of looking for side paths and shortcuts, focus your eyes on Him and recognize that each step you are taking is one that He ordained and designed specifically for you.

When we focus our eyes on Christ we can do anything He calls us to do. Peter even walked on water when Jesus called him to. It was when he started to look around that fear creeped in and challenged his faith.

Admittedly I have been looking at the wind this week instead of God.

But a new week is here, and another opportunity to keep my eyes on Him!

Much love,