Fail

This week we focused on healing, spending most of our days at home and close to Malachi’s machines again. He was able to go off of oxygen each day for a little chunk of time but would tire out and require oxygen again.

As of tonight he is doing great at home without oxygen but cannot ride in the car safely without it. It seems to be a positional issue for his lungs. He also starts to dip in saturations when he gets warm so we are limited to staying inside right now.

We are officially two weeks in to this healing process, which is about the amount of time the last cold took for full recovery. It has most definitely been a long two weeks, with each day being different than the last. Malachi’s sleep cycle is very much out of whack and some nights this week he has been uncomfortable, staying up until 5am. My brain and body are tired and I am very excited for this extra long weekend with Jake home to help.

Levi’s imagination has been in full swing lately. This morning he convinced everyone that we have a cat named Bobo. He has been carrying his stuffed animals around and naming each of them, telling me all kinds of stories about their many adventures. He is at a really fun age. In the photo below he was being a “astronaut dinosaur rider” which sounds legit.

Malachi has definitely been feeling better and giving us lots of smiles and giggles. We have been playing a lot of pretend games and Malachi is very much enjoying using his imagination as well. This week he “bought a chocolate milkshake” and when I told him he owed me $5 he lifted his hand and put imaginary money into my hand without assistance.

They are both growing so much! This time last year we were battling Covid, and seeing photos from a year ago have shocked me…Levi has changed so much. He will turn 5 in November!

And here is a flashback of Malachi from 4 years ago (age 5) and today (age 9).

Weeks like this one are challenging in a lot of ways. Most typical days I can find a balance between mom and caregiver. But when the boys are sick I have to lean into the caregiver role. Our schedule becomes regimented with medications, machines, and feeds. It is really hard to spot the joyful moments in weeks like these and I tend to drift into a negative head space.

The devil also attacks my mind in these weeks with reminders that Malachi’s lungs will never fully “get better”. This is a continual thing that we deal with, and it has potential to be significantly worse as he gets older. The threat of life getting more complicated and harder is very mind consuming. And there is always the ever lingering reality of things taking dramatic turns.

This week Levi randomly walked into the room and asked, “Mom, what is fail?” He had heard the word and wanted the definition, so I tried my best to explain the term in a way a four year old could understand.

I can’t really remember exactly what I told him, but later that night I was beyond exhausted. It was 4am and I was struggling to carry Malachi to bed, his wires dragging behind me as I relocated our mini hospital to the bedroom for the night. Right before I plopped down into the bed to get him situated the sign above the bed caught my eye.

In big, bold letters it said “Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8)

I got Malachi settled and started really thinking about the verse, particularly focusing on the word “fails”. I thought about my conversation with Levi and a flood of failures from the week entered my mind…there are just so many things I can say I am “failing at” right now. Not intentionally but as a by-product of other callings taking priority.

Regardless of my efforts, failure will continue to be struggle. And that is such a discouraging reality. And while it is a hard thing to accept, it does breed a level of humility in me that reminds me of my need for a Savior.

This week I read these verses and they spoke to me in such a new way.

Lamentations 3:17-25

My soul has been excluded from peace; I have forgotten happiness. So I say, “My strength has failed, and so has my hope from the Lord.” Remember my misery and my homelessness, the wormwood and bitterness. My soul certainly remembers, and is bent over within me. I recall this to my mind, therefore I wait. The Lord’s acts of mercy indeed do not end, for His compassions do not fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I wait for Him.” The Lord is good to those who await Him, to the person who seeks Him.

Just like this verse says, my strength this week has most definitely failed. But even in my failures, the Lord’s acts of mercy haven’t ended and his compassions do not fail. His love never fails.

Children of God are not exempt from moments of despair and discouragement. But I am so thankful for the many verses in the Bible that remind me of what needs to happen when I let my soul get thirsty.

“Therefore I wait.”

“The Lord is good to those who await Him, to the person who seeks Him.”

Sounds like this week is meant to be filled with some seeking and waiting!

Much love,

Leah

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