We are a few weeks out from Malachi’s hip/knee surgery and life hasn’t quite settled back to normal. Malachi’s pain has been well managed though and he is so much easy to position in his chairs with his new hips.

His stamina for being out and about it very low so we have been spending lots of time at the house, mainly trying to nap and catch up on all the sleep he is not currently getting at night. Jake and Levi sleep during the night and Malachi and I sleep during the day. Sometimes I will sneak in an hour or two at night by turning on a movie for Malachi and keeping one hand on him. We are also staying close to home base so we can easily stay on his medication and feed schedules.

We have been able to get a few family game nights in which brought out some smiles in Malachi. Levi has also had some gracious friends over to play to help keep some normalcy for him.

And, of course, we have still been out and about for medical appointments, soccer practices, and a few fun social outings.

I have continued to work at my part time job at the farm, and Levi has come with me on a few shifts to spend some time with his friends (both animal and human). It has been a really good outlet for me to focus on other things for a few hours each week.

I have finally had time to take a deep breath and allow myself to process our whirlwind of surgeries last month. We had three surgeries in three hospitals. Each hospital carries its own memories, carries its own unique smell, and is adorned with distinct floor tiles that have caught my tears.

Last week we took off Malachi’s surgery dressings and whenever that time comes each recovery my stomach sinks with sadness over new “warrior marks” (as we refer to them in our house) wrapped all over his body. Each one represents suffering and each one tells a story. After each surgery I take time to grieve over those marks. The ashes of mourning exist, but the Lord faithfully and graciously wipes them away in His own timing.

Over the last 13 years my smooth, easy faith has been asked to develop jagged edges. Sometimes walking with the Lord will step you outside your comfort zone and into refining situations that can hurt tremendously. And while my mind often wants to focus on the hurt, it can become an idol of it’s own- stealing my focus away from the Lord and His promises.

While Levi and I were in Ohio for his surgery we visited the Ark Encounter. It was a lot to take in visually and later I kept flashing back to something I saw as we walked into the Ark.

This stack of 12 stones sits at the entrance to the ark, with a plaque above it that reads: “After miraculously enabling the Israelites to cross the Jordan River on dry ground, God told Joshua to have a representative from each of the 12 tribes take a stone from the river. The Lord instructed them to build a memorial with these 12 stones as a reminder to the coming generations of what God had done for them.”

“Take 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan…When your children ask someday, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ You shall tell them….these stones are a memorial…that everyone on the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty and that you may fear the Lord your God forever.” Joshua 4:3, 6-7, 24

In the Bible we read often about memorials that children of God were asked to build. These memorials were used to fight our human forgetfulness when things get difficult and remember the miracles we have seen and the promises God continues to fulfill.

The last two weeks I keep flashing back to this stack of stones. And the Lord has been working on my heart, calling for a shift in thinking.

Our family has seen miracles. We have been carried supernaturally by God. I have been physically lifted to my feet my angels. Our boys have survived moments we were told they may not. We have been led through fire time and time again and don’t bear the burn marks. God has been real and present and active in our family.

But when I re-enter hospitals my mind naturally dwells on the hard moments instead of the God moments. The Lord has put it on my heart to begin building monuments in those spaces, reminders of His presence and faithfulness.

Every time I have flashed back to a hard moment from the last month I have visually pictured a stack of stones in the corner of the room, shifting my focus from the hard to Him. And each time I am overwhelmed with His peace, remembering that we were exactly in the center of His will in that space.

I am sure it will take some time to build my monuments. But I am praying that God gives me the ability to stack with confidence, a tangible and visual reminder to all who see them that God is very real and very presently working in our lives.

“Great are the works of the Lord; they are pondered by all who delight in them. Glorious and majestic are his deeds, and His righteousness endures forever. He has caused His wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate.” Psalms 111:2-4

Sincerely,

Leah