After staring at this screen for a ridiculous amount of time the same sentence just keeps coming to mind: I am weary.

Special needs life is hard. It is obviously hard during the emergencies, the surgeries, the sickness. But it is also hard during the typical and mundane weeks. This life requires weird routines and schedules and there are certain locked in things into my everyday. For example, Malachi wakes up coughing every single morning. He has a hard time managing his secretions and doesn’t know how to clear his throat like you and I do. It takes him 1.5-2 hours of venting his tummy to get him in a safe place to keep down any food or meds I try to get in him. If I don’t follow this routine he vomits up anything I put in him. Then after the meds and food go in it requires at least another 45 minutes of holding him upright on my lap and periodically burping him like a baby to get him safe enough to leave the home. If we don’t get all of his burps out he seizes repeatedly.

Nighttime routines are even more mentally challenging. If you have ever had a newborn you can relate to that moment when you have rocked the baby to sleep and laid him down in the crib only to have him wake up two minutes later. That feeling of success being snatched away so quickly can be discouraging. Malachi has been pulling this trick since he was a baby but now he sets into a seizure instead of simply just waking up crying and needing to be soothed. It takes about 45 minutes to get him to sleep again and we play several rounds of this game each evening. Some nights we are in bed by 3am. Some nights 5:30am.

I am weary of the known routines. I am weary of worrying about the unknowns. Our life requires a level of acceptance and surrender that I am not always eager to offer up, especially this week. Which is why I am so weary.

We are spending a lot of time at home these days, going on drives often to get an opportunity to look at something other than our four walls. Malachi spent two afternoons at school and boy is he growing! I snapped this photo before he went in one day because I couldn’t believe how long his legs have grown.

This week little Levi starts his basketball league and I am excited to see how it goes. He is eager with anticipation, as is Malachi who is helping coach! He talks about it every day and seems very concerned about making sure he has “basketball shoes” haha. Finding shoes that fit his braces is harder than you would imagine!

Levi is still as inclusive as can be, always looking for ways to make Malachi giggle. He will crack a water bottle for him so he can hear the noise and say ”Does Malachi like that?” We always encourage him to ask Malachi questions and report his answers to us. Their relationship is so special. Levi continues to ask a lot of questions about Malachi that we knew would come one day- like why Malachi doesn’t walk and why he doesn’t talk. He seems pretty satisfied with our answers for now.

It seems hard to believe, but Levi turns FOUR next week! It is hard to remember a life without our Levi, and he has brought such joy to our family. I will save the sappy post for next week’s blog.

When I am weary it makes the lens I view the world just foggy enough to cause confusion and second-guessing in multiple areas. One of those is spiritually. We have been having such great God moments in our ministries over the last few weeks and the fruit God has been growing through them is such beautiful, vibrant fruit!

But as the fruit grows, the devil takes notice. And when you are weary those attacks have opportunities to find gaps in the armor.

This week I have allowed myself to be wounded, which I am ashamed to admit. And the mental mind game that has created has consumed me. When that happens there is no better solution than digging into the word of God. I spent some time in the book of James this week and as I read the Lord spoke to my heart.

James 3:13-17 ”Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”

Oh, how I crave that godly wisdom from heaven!

In my weariness this week I watched my pride and my anger flare as I filtered it through my earthly wisdom. But godly wisdom is full of humility, love, and mercy. It goes against our nature and requires us to become vessels for Christ to work through.

I don’t know if any of you also needed to hear this verse this week and be reminded that God calls us to be peacemakers, as hard as that can sometimes be.

May we all continue to pursue godly wisdom in our daily walk and feel the power of Christ in our moments of humility. And please pray for an easy, healthy week for the Carroll boys. Momma needs sleep, but even more I need some mental and emotional rest.

Much love,

Leah