I used to be a goal setter. I thrived with goals, setting challenges that were beyond my reach and taking great delight in achieving them. I would write the goals in journals, put them on sticky notes around my room, and stay up until 5am to knock one out.
I was always up for the challenges life threw at me…maintaining a high GPA in the midst of a tough college course…working three jobs while taking 21 hours a semester…succeeding at something no one thought would be possible fueled me.
As life progressed I realized that the things that I saw as challenges were things that could be achieved with a lot of hard work and a whole lot of determination.
Unfortunately that doesn’t transfer over to the special needs world. It takes hard work and determination, but it still isn’t quite enough. It will never truly be enough.
I have had to realize that some goals will never be achieved. I am unable to heal my children. And I have lost complete control of our day to day. And that is a very hard thing for me to accept.
I am at a phase in life where setting goals seems to do more damage than good. There are the obvious complex goals that are beyond my reach, but then there are the simple ones that require routines that we can’t afford to manufacture. We are still very much living in a survival mode mindset, unsure of what each day will bring with the boys. And those sticky notes no longer challenge me, but rather they taunt me.
We live day to day, hour by hour, and try to do all that we can to obey the calling God has in our lives. And the lack of control is something I daily struggle with, but I am learning to lean on God in those control freak moments.
We have learned to simply walk and look for the doors along the way that are opened by God for us to venture through. It has made me really process how God feels about us setting goals. I don’t have any feedback on that one, but maybe it will give you something to mentally munch on this week. I don’t believe that they are inherently bad, but I wonder if they do more harm or good to our faith walk.
We have watched Proverbs 16:9 come to life for us: “The mind of a person plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”
Why the long intro?
As I sat here and reflected on our week I found myself feeling so mediocre as a mother. We haven’t had any earth shattering moments. We haven’t had days filled with adventures and fun. We haven’t met milestone that I am excited to share with you.
But we have spent so much time together as a family. We have served in the name of Christ, giving energy we didn’t have because God called us to. We have made our boys laugh until they can’t breathe.
And even though we didn’t meet goals I feel like we accomplished some pretty immeasurable things.
And we also celebrated another wedding anniversary! Jake and I have been married for 13 wonderful years. We dated for 5 years before getting married so life with Jake is all I know. It has been so special to watch us grow as individuals and also grow as a couple in Christ.
These two little lovebirds back in 2003. This was the first photo I ever got of Jake.
Jake and I were able to sneak away kid free for dinner and a movie on our anniversary! These moments are rare and we definitely cherished our time together.
And on a silly note, we aren’t normally trendy people but I saw this one online and thought I would give it a try. It is an app that allows you to change yourself into a cartoon. They turned out pretty cute.
I do have some prayer needs this week.
-Levi’s surgery is less than two weeks away. I always get a little anxious leading up to surgery, worried they will find a reason to start the trach talk again. We went on lots of walks this week and his stridor was definitely significant after a few minutes of physical activity. Levi is also very anxious and remembers the Covid test from last year (which he will have to have again). So all kinds of prayers needed over that situation.
-I have been going through some spiritual refinement this week as God has been highlighting some areas that I need His help on. While refinement is ultimately a good thing it does require moments of discomfort and this week I have been extra sensitive to those. Please pray for guidance from God and obedience from Leah.
-Please pray for our endurance. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. It is one of those exhaustions that taking naps or sleeping in can’t fix- this renewal has to come from God. Please join us in praying for that renewal.
I know this was an unconventional blog, but I needed a place to drop some thoughts! Thank you for taking the time to check in on our family, and tonight I will be praying Numbers 6:24-26 over you.