Malachi made it through another full week at school without any issues or sickness. Each week that passes he falls more in love with his new routines. In fact, this morning as we were getting him ready for church he yelled the name of one of his favorite teachers. We had to explain to him that he wasn’t going to school today, but would get to go to church instead which seemed to appease him.

Malachi on his new front porch!

School has made him Mr. Independent in so many ways and Jake and I have been thoroughly entertained by his new possessiveness over things. This week I was feeding him applesauce at dinner and I stole a bite. Malachi saw me and stuck out his jaw, giving me the “how dare you” look. He started swinging his little arm at me, insisting that he get the bites instead of mommy.

He is still being a little stinker in his seat- trying his absolute best to get out of it. It always makes me cringe in pain when he does this- it can’t be good for his neck, but he thinks he is a real comedian when he gets like this.

I snapped this pic of his angry face this week to share with you. He gets very defined forehead divots when he is really mad. His expressions are developing more and more each day. He even rolled his eyes at one of his teachers this week…something he does frequently towards me and my shenanigans.

Malachi had his first school meeting this week. It was a meeting with the school psychologist talking about what category he should fall under for special education services. This step has to be done before we can talk about his IEP. Let me tell you all, it was so odd being the parent in the room instead of the teacher leading the meeting. What an odd turn of events life has taken. I am very grateful though for my years as a special education teacher prior to having Malachi as it has familiarized me with the process and laws.

Jake and I are very excited to tell you that it seems that we may be moving this week into our new home! It looks like all the finishing touches will be completed by Thursday and we will be having church friends (and anyone else local!) help us move our things in on Saturday. I am so excited about this transition. I am looking forward to Malachi’s shower more than anything else as bending at the waist is no longer possible. Bring on the accessibility! We have been spending a lot of time over there this week cleaning and organizing.

Here is a picture of the front. As you can see, we pull up right in front of the door and wheel him onto the porch. If it is raining, we made the front large enough to back the van under and get him out on the front porch without getting wet. Our porch columns should also get done this week!

Here are a few updated pictures from the inside.

Baby Levi’s appointment went well this week. We will see high risk on Wednesday and get to see that sweet little face again. I am 28 weeks today and definitely feeling pregnant.

My emotions are still a little haywire these days. As I have said over the last few posts, I am sure that pregnancy hormones have something to do with it but regardless it has been a struggle. I keep finding triggers that bring up such hard memories for me. Very odd and simple things keep happening that take me back to Malachi’s NICU days.

For example, I recently dug out my maternity clothing. The last time I wore these clothes was in the weeks following Malachi’s birth as I traveled back and forth to the hospital to be with him. This week I put my hands into the pocket of a jacket and was flooded with emotions as the depth, feel, and placement of the pocket reminded me of the hundreds of times I put the Ronald McDonald key into it.

Simple things but loaded with so many raw and un-dealt with emotions.

Malachi hasn’t been very consistent with his sleeping leaving me a little more sleep deprived than normal. Lack of sleep also increases Malachi’s seizures and this week has been a little unpredictable for both of us. Wednesday night was a rough one, with Malachi falling asleep right when it was time for us to load up and head to school. I chose to delay his day a bit and let him sleep on me, taking him in late.  I dropped him off and as I headed back to my car the tears began to flow.

I read an article this week titled “38 Ways to Tell If You Are A Special Needs Parent”. As I read #35 I couldn’t help but relate.

#35) You are always fluctuating between feeling like a boss, and feeling totally unqualified to raise your child- sometimes within the same hour. 

Let me tell you all- most days I feel completely and utterly lost in our world. I am always second guessing the decisions I make for Malachi and have to daily rely on guidance from God. On Thursday as I got into my car and the tears were flowing down my face I simply told God “I am worn out.” I immediately flashed back to a night I had when Malachi was in the NICU and I verbalized this same cry to God.

Both times, lyrics to a song immediately came to mind. I have typed out the lyrics for you, bolding the lines that have hit my heart hard this week: