We left off the last entry with Malachi’s cluster seizures and a trip to the Emergency Room. Just as quickly as they came on, they disappeared leaving us scratching our heads yet again.

We met with his epileptologist and we are working on some medication changes to help prevent these episodes; Malachi has been handling the med changes pretty well. We have also modified his emergency seizure plan to intervene after 3 minutes of consistent seizing, and carry “rescue” meds to administer.

Speaking of epilepsy, we are creeping up on the 4 year mark for the night Levi was diagnosed. I remember leaving the ER that night with him and taking him to church a few hours later for him to be Joseph in the nativity play. We live in such a weird world, where reality happens but we bookmark it and put our grief to the side to enjoy special moments. Thankfully his epilepsy has always been easier to manage than Malachi’s and his original seizure med that he takes twice a day is still working.

We re-entered hospital land on Friday for Malachi’s outpatient procedure. He went under general anesthesia for Botox injections in the sphincter muscle of his bladder. It takes 5 days to see if it was effective, but we are seeing small signs of progress.

Malachi handled surgery day like the superhero that he is, keeping a positive attitude and even smiling and signing to the nursing staff as they wheeled him to the operating room.

I had some wavering emotions surgery day as they vastly overbooked the operating room. We checked in at 12:30 and they didn’t take him back until nearly 6:00 (his OR time was 2:45). Poor Malachi wasn’t allowed to have food past 7:30am and was starving by the time we made it home that evening around 9:30pm. I take these moments very personally, always wondering if he is moved to the back-burner due to his disabilities.

We watched some new movies about dragons, took a quick nap, and listened to praise and worship as we waited. Hospital time is such sweet bonding for Malachi and I, as time stands still and we lean into the hard.

If the Botox works like we hope, we will have to repeat this procedure every 3 months indefinitely to allow his bladder to void. The surgeon said “it looks like a snow globe in there” with he amount of debris collecting in his bladder from insufficient voiding.

This is a doozy of a month, with nearly 20 medical appointments between the four of us. Not to mention all the social events on the calendar the holiday brings!

Malachi is absolutely loving his Christmas tree. I love seeing that sweet smile. This season carries a lot of hard moments buried deep within my soul. Each joyful moment feels like an ointment to my wounds.

There is one specific Christmas song line that has captivated my heart as a medical mom. It comes from “O Holy Night”.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices.

In a world full of exhaustion, suffering, and brokenness…a world full of such true weariness…the birth of Christ is the reminder that God’s plans are so much bigger than what we see.

There is a thrill of hope inside of me that rejoices when I think about the birth of Christ. The fulfillment of a plan that God perfectly authored. And that birth led to such great sacrifice. God truly sent us a Savior.

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will someone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

“But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

(Taken from Romans 5, which talks so much about hope and the peace that it brings)

I am a weary mom, looking heavenward with a thrill of hope. And seeing the plan that God authored unfold for Christ reminds me of His omniscience (all-knowing) nature, crafting plans that perfectly fit the callings that He creates.

Please be in prayer for endurance for our family this month as we process several hard appointments and even more difficult memories.

Blessings,

Leah

I am writing this entry from the ER as we wait to speak with Malachi’s neurology team. His cluster seizures came back with a vengeance Saturday night and increased in frequency and severity yesterday. He easily had over 100 yesterday alone, each lasting 10-30 seconds. The “what if” mental game began and I thought it would be best to get him in for a CT to make sure his brain ventricles had not changed with his non-functioning shunt issue. The fastest way to get this done without prior authorization requirements from insurance is to go to the ER.

For all you medical nerds, here are some comparison images from August and today. As you can see there isn’t much change in the ventricles (the black spaces within the brain).

The radiologist also agrees that they are the same size as the last scan, so praise God for no brain surgery! But we still don’t have an answer for the cluster seizures and no way to slow them down without heavily sedating Malachi. Blood work looks great and no signs of sickness.

We are expecting to go home soon as there isn’t anything further the inpatient setting can do for Malachi. I hate that we have to enter a germ filled space to get him checked out, and I prayed fervently as we walked in that angels would surround Malachi as we entered those doors.

We will meet with his epileptologist later this week to talk through medication changes but until then there really isn’t anything we can do to slow them down. His seizures are a symptom of brain damage, and can be triggered by a number fo things…hormones, pain, weather change, moon cycles…so many possible triggers. We have a emergency seizure management protocol that we start if the seizure lasts longer than 5 minutes but with these clusters they only last 20-30 seconds with a small break in between.

Going backwards in time a bit…

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and even went north for a few days to visit family in Ohio. Malachi worked SO hard on the ride to get his arm up and around Levi as he slept. Here was so proud of himself and so were we. I showed it to Levi later and he teared up.

Levi told me last week that he wants to have 12 kids when he is older and he wants one to be in a wheelchair just like Malachi.

The boys got to play with their cousins and create all sorts of memories. We rented a whimsical house on a farm for the whole crew and it was the house little kids dreams are made of, with secret staircases and hidden doors. Levi says his favorite thing was playing hide and seek, and to be honest I wanted to play too haha! Malachi was an excellent first floor “seeker” as well.

Malachi especially loved seeing his Grammy!

We stayed in Ohio a few days longer than the rest of the family and found an awesomely accessible rental house for two nights, ramps and all! And Levi loved getting to sleep on a trundle bed.

We came home with happy hearts and a bag full of hand me downs, which is always a real treat for Levi.

We don’t do a lot of traditions in our little family of four as our life is a bit to unpredictable and it sets us all up for disappointment when we can’t do things like we’ve always done. But one thing that we have tried to prioritize is picking out a Christmas tree. It is one of Malachi’s all time favorite things to do, and there is an amazing tree farm right down the road that is always so kind to our family.

Malachi wasn’t feeling 100% as we shopped for a tree this year but he still did his best to give us his opinions and help us choose a perfectly beautiful tree for the living room. Levi also enjoyed the process, even getting the chance to carry the saw back up the hill now that he is a big ol’ 8 year old.

We spent some quality time with the monkeys this week, which always leads to some fun photos.

And we all got the chance to attend the wedding of two sweet friends!

It has somehow become a very busy season for our family, but the variety has been a treat.

Trips to the ER always have great potential to trigger some PTSD memories for me…actually the triggers and emotions begin prior to even leaving the house as I prep our bags for a potential stay. Between both kids we have been in well over a dozen of those ER rooms; re-entering those spaces floods me with memories. Almost all of our ER experiences end with an admission, surgery, or ICU stay.

This morning I felt the emotions deep within my belly, almost as if my body was trying to convince me to change my plans. The mental battle that takes place is something I can’t really put into words. I am attacked with worries that I am over-reacting. And then come the fears that I am under-reacting and it could lead to horrible outcomes that I could have prevented.

I don’t talk about this often, but the battle of my mind is truly a daily struggle. Even as we shopped for a tree this year, and Malachi was not himself, I had the thoughts of “What if this is the last tree Malachi will ever get to pick out? Will I ever be able to come back to this place again? How will Levi handle life without his brother and the life alterations that a loss like that would inevitably create?”

If I am not cautious and careful I can allow the joy of the moment to be strangled by the fear of the unknown.

This morning as I spoke with doctors I felt such a wave of discouragement on Malachi’s behalf. He endures so much, and has no voice to speak his emotions and pain. I feel helpless as his mother, but that pales in comparison to the helplessness he must feel. This weekend as I have looking in his eyes, so weary from seizures, this verse has been playing over and over again in my head.

2 Corinthians 4:16 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

This verse applies to every single one of us, regardless of diagnosis, disability, or stage of life. Each of us were made to be pilgrims in this world, traveling towards home.

Reading this verse helps me replace the sadness of the journey with the reminder of the hope of the final destination.

Fixing our eyes on the unseen is a decision we have to make. Our human nature will always fix our eyes on the seen. But faith asks us to divert that gaze and focus on the unseen.

Please be in prayer for Malachi, that he can overcome these seizure clusters and regulate. And please continue to pray for wisdom for Jake and I, that we will be sensitive to the directions from the Lord regarding his care.

Sincerely,

Leah

Our Levi is officially 8 years old!

And what a joy he is to our family. Levi is thoughtful, full of empathy, and whitty. His sense of humor is something special and I could fill a book with the funny things he says each day. His memory is astounding and he doesn’t miss a thing as far as details go. He has a way of making others feel remembered and important. God has gifted him in so many beautiful ways!

We celebrated with treats at school, a nice dinner out, and a party at the house with his friends.

This was the first year that Malachi exhibited a bit of jealousy towards Levi’s special day. At dinner one night as we talked through party plans he tried his very best to knock over Levi’s drink with his hand in a very deliberate way. Seeing those glimpses of normal brotherly love and loathe has been beautifully filling.

As always, Levi’s birthday was a mix of emotions for me…overwhelming thankfulness and overwhelming trauma emotions as I flashed back to that season of our lives.

There is a saying, “What the mind forgets, the body remembers”. As the years go by and the gap between traumatic events grows I like to think I have overcome some of those raw emotions. But such minor things can spark those memories and the emotions that they carried in an instant. For example….

Malachi had the opportunity to run his first half marathon with Addie Ray Racing and the Chick-fil-a mom from our story from 2017! He was very excited and anxious leading up to the morning of and didn’t sleep very well leading up to the race. We had to be up by 3:45am for the race and hit the road to arrive on time. Levi and Jake stayed home for this one and Malachi and I loaded up quietly in the dark to make the hour drive to the race.

As we drove down the dark road towards the highways I felt this uncomfortable yet known feeling deep in my belly and I couldn’t immediately figure out why. But the closer to Chattanooga we drove the more aggressive those emotions deep within began to stir. I finally pieced it together that those dark, middle of the night drives to Chattanooga are often done in late night trips to the emergency room or surgeries. I had to keep reassuring myself that we were going to do something FUN, and it was a surprising amount of work to get my mind to believe me.

We arrived at the race and transferred Malachi to his special racing chair. Malachi started the race and I found myself pushing around his empty wheelchair- another unknown trigger for me apparently. I immediately was overcome with a sick feeling, flashing back to the only other time we push an empty chair…surgery days. It was almost like I had transported to Vanderbilt in my mind and the same emotions that gurgle within me on surgery days began to appear.

My body remembers.

But in spite of my brain’s attempts to sabotage the special day, we pushed through and created some pretty amazing moments for Malachi. He completed the 13.1 mile race in 2 hours and 18 minutes with three runners helping him! He slept through the first portion but came alive in the final few miles and loved hearing everyone shout and cheer for him as he crossed the finished line, a moment that made me tear up with such happy emotions seeing a group so readily celebrate my son.

He got a HUGE medal which he is proudly showing off to anyone who will listen. He signed that he would like to do another half marathon so we will be looking at doing more of these in the future.

After the race we spent some time at the farm playing with the new baby zebra and monkey.

The animals at the farm are genuinely special creatures and are so kind to Malachi. The zebra rested his little head on sleepy Malachi’s legs.

This is one of my favorite photos from the last two weeks. I was giving Malachi a bolus feed and the Joy (the monkey) was absolutely fascinated, acting like I had just done a magic trick as gravity took the milk down into his belly.

Medically speaking, our November is pretty mild but December is WILD! We already have over 15 appointments and 1 procedure on the books for next month. We will be making trips to Chattanooga and Vanderbilt to speak with various surgeons and I suspect we will be having some hard conversations about more procedures. In the meantime we are basking in the glow of quiet and calm.

Malachi’s brain has had a bit of trouble with the seasons change, leading to very unpredictable sleep and seizure increases- often aligning with full moons.

As I mentioned before, birthdays in our home are always a bit emotional. I often feel like a crazy person, getting emotional over the sad memories and then getting even more emotional about the praiseworthy things. Driving home from school last week Levi rolled down his window and shouted to a friend in the parking lot. The power in his voice was such a vivid reminder of the many miracles we have been given, and tears of thankfulness flowed.

I read something last week and had to read it again and again, feeling the Holy Spirit as I read it. I thought tonight I would share it with you all.

The Classroom of Affliction by Sarah Trent

Affliction never teaches us gently.
It doesn’t whisper its lessons like a kind tutor.
No, affliction storms in uninvited, slamming doors behind it, rearranging the whole house of my soul without asking permission. It teaches deeply, carving its truths straight into bone, into memory, into places I didn’t know could ache.
I am learning things I never wanted to know.
Things I would’ve gladly lived my whole life without understanding.
But here I am, a reluctant student, seated at the feet of sorrow? and somehow it is shaping me.

Affliction does not lecture; it chisels.
It takes the dull places in me and strikes until sparks fly.
It exposes the idols I didn’t know I held.
It forces my clenched fists open.
It pulls up the broken roots I buried deep and hoped no one would ever see.
It teaches in ways that feel like loss, like loneliness,
like waiting in the dark for a dawn that hasn’t shown itself in months.
And yet…somewhere underneath this weight, something holy is happening.

I can’t deny it, the Word feels sharper here, more alive. Prayer feels less like a discipline and more like breathing.
Weakness feels less like failure and more like honesty.
And the presence of the Lord…
it is different in the valley.
He walks closer when the ground drops out beneath me.
He whispers louder when every other voice grows silent.

Affliction never teaches me gently,
but God does not abandon me to its harshness.
He takes its sharp edges and uses them to carve out the parts of me that were never going to hold eternity anyway.
He lets suffering go only as far as redemption requires.
Only as deep as transformation needs.
Only as long as it takes for my heart to learn what comfort could not teach on its own.
I am bruised—but I am not destroyed.
I am wounded—but I am being healed in places I didn’t even know were broken.
I am taught by pain—but held by mercy.

Maybe that’s the mystery:
affliction teaches deeply,
but God restores deeper still.
And someday, when the lesson has finished its painful work,
when the valley finally gives way to the mountaintop,
when my tears have watered something unexpected and holy, I will see that this, too, was a classroom of grace.
Not gentle.
But deeply, undeniably sacred.

Our classrooms of affliction give us an opportunity to experience the goodness of God in a magnificent way. There are days the humanity in me hates the affliction; but the refinement that is taking place is something I am working hard to embrace.

We hope you each have a wonderful Thanksgiving and thank you for checking in on our family.

Blessings,

Leah

The leaves are changing here in Tennessee and I find myself thanking God multiple times a day for the beauty of Octobers.

Our soccer season has ended, and our family takes a brief break each year from soccer seasons until January. We have re-started our family game nights, cooking more meals, and a new book series with the boys at night. Our family truly enjoys coaching soccer, but slowing down is always a gift.

Malachi had some pretty big appointments last week. We were able to have a productive conversation with his Urologist and come up with a plan for his urinary retention issues since the medications are not working.

In the next few weeks he will head to the operating room to start Botox injections in the urethral sphincter, the muscle that controls the release of urine from the bladder. He will have to repeat this procedure under general anesthesia every 3-6 months indefinitely.

Jake and I are honestly a little discouraged by this treatment plan. We have always avoided treatment plans that require him going under every few months. But doing nothing will lead to kidney failure so we are walking forward in faith and hoping this works. If it does not we will need to start considering catheterizations which can come with complications and lifestyle changes for Malachi.

We ended up canceling his MRI as his seizures leveled out when his body adjusted to the new medications. There seemed to be a little miscommunication between Neurosurgery and Neurology regarding the type of imaging and whether or not the machine was safe with his new back hardware. I was a bit anxious with all the back and forth and felt like we were stable enough to cancel it.

I meet with the Psychologist who tested Levi in the morning to discuss his results and I am very curious what she will have to share. Labels and diagnoses don’t bother our family. Each of our children are a puzzle and each time we get another piece it helps us organize the best path for them.

Levi is thriving in school and his history and science recall is so impressive! He is a hard worker and we are so proud of how well he is learning to love others.

The monkeys absolutely love him- we suspect they see him as one of them and play with him like he is a blonde headed monkey.

And Malachi is very entertained by all the monkey madness.

Each year our friend open their farm to the community for their annual “Holy Ghost Wiener Roast”. This event, all food, and all activities are offered for free and we partner with a local church to help bring the Gospel to the forefront of the event. The first year we just invited our youth group and had about 75 teens. The next year we asked the youth to bring friends and family and had 300 come out. The third year we opened it up to the community and our numbers have continued to grow each year. Last Saturday we had over 1,750 people on the farm!! So wild and so much fun!

This weekend the time changed. This can be a little tricky for medically complex families as we lean heavily on routines and medication schedules. There is a little wiggle room with med administration by an hour or so but we try to keep things as smooth as possible when the clocks change.

Today as I went through our routine I caught myself wondering if other parents have to be as time aware as we are.

While each day is very different than the last, here are the constants we have to keep track of on a healthy day….this may be absolutely boring to you but it gives you a glimpse into our medical world.

8:00am Levi medications round #1

8:15am Diaper Change #1

8:30am Malachi medications round #1 with g-tube feed

9:00am Malachi breathing treatment

9:15am Malachi Airway Clearance System CPT Vest

9:30am Cough Assist Machine

(Above breathing regiment is repeated up to 3x per day when needed)

10:30am Malachi medications round #2

11:15am Diaper Change #2; g-tube feed

3:15pm Diaper Change #3; g-tube feed

7:15 Diaper Change #4

8:00pm Levi medications #2

8:30pm Malachi medications round #3; g-tube feed

9:30pm Hook up and start Levi’s g-tube nighttime feed

10:30pm Malachi medications round #4

11:15pm Diaper Change #5; g-tube feed

11:30pm Stop and unhook Levi’s g-tube nighttime feed

In addition to this, we give Malachi water through his g-tube at least 4 times a day and vent him dozens of times, letting any trapped air out of his belly.

Levi sleeps from 9p-7a and Malachi varies but right now he sleeps from 2a-8a. Each day tends to float into the next and the mental energy it takes to stay on schedule can be overwhelming. Especially on appointment days when we don’t have our home base to work out of. Leaving the house requires significant planning and thinking through worst case scenarios. And traveling overnight anywhere….whew….it is a whole lot of packing and planning.

But for us, this has become normal and just a part of life. I feel like I could draw up meds correctly with my eyes shut haha! Right now I administer 23 different doses of medications each day- cleaning the syringes is it’s own job.

This life definitely doesn’t match the visions of motherhood I had as a girl, but it does carry so much beauty in it.

This weekend we had the opportunity to speak to a local youth group, and as I prepared for what the Lord wanted me to share it reignited such a love I have for sharing our story and God’s role in it to others. We aren’t perfect and we most definitely have not displayed God’s character in every chapter of our story, but the lessons we have learned in each leg of the journey have been so life changing.

As I prayed about what to share with these teens specifically I started digging deep into my past, asking myself what is something teenager Leah needed to hear at that age. And comically enough, it is the same thing adult Leah sometimes needs to hear these days.

I saw an object lesson at a women’s conference that really stuck with me that involved paint samples. The more I thought about the visual the more it resonated with me.

This weekend I had 5 teens come up front and handed each of them a paint sample from the hardware store. They had to secretly look at their sample and decide what color it was; on the count of three each person had to say their color out loud. What they didn’t know was that every sample was white, and even had the word “white” in its name.

As you can see, every single one is a different “shade” of white.

I talked about faith and how, too often, we look to other Christians to determine what faith looks like. We find people in our world that we admire and use them as our standard of Christ. But even the greatest Christian is still an imperfect version of the perfect nature of God. The “Ultra White” sample represents God’s perfect holiness….and a visual of how far off even our best imitations can be.

It isn’t wrong to admire others, but it is important that we KNOW the true God and His character firsthand.

In my life my biggest wounds have come from other sisters-in-Christ. And I am sure that I have been a source of pain for others, as we all have moments where we allow our sin nature to overshadow our reflection of Him. When we do things “in the name of Christ” and allow our flesh to be involved we can do so much damage to our witness.

It is vital that we be “washed in the Word” (Ephesians 5:26) and have eyes that can spot when our feet need to be cleaned (John 13:5-10).

It is always a blessing getting the chance to share with groups. And the opportunity for self-reflection with the Holy Spirit is always a refining experience.

Well, according to my handy schedule typed above, it is time for me to get Malachi to bed! Thank you for listening to my updates and allowing me to ramble. Having a safe space to process and unload my brain is something I do not take for granted, and I am thankful that we have a support system that cares enough to check in on our family.

Sincerely,

Leah

It has been an up and down few weeks as we continue to navigate medication changes with Malachi. We will follow up this week with his urologist and also do an MRI to check his shunt, but the seizure clusters have been slowing down a bit and he has been more mentally clear over the last week.

The boys had fall break last week (Jake’s was the week before) and we spent most of it at the farm. Georgie the monkey learned how to push Malachi’s wheelchair, much to his amusement. And a sweet new baby zebra was born on the farm.

It truly is Malachi’s happy place. And Levi just doesn’t realize yet what a special privilege it is to play with exotic animals anytime he wants to.

Levi had some testing done last week to test for dyslexia as well as some other academic things. He did great on the first portion but then we took a break for lunch, hoping that would help break up the session. Unfortunately it seemed to have the opposite effect and he wasn’t able to focus well on part 2. We will find out the results soon and go from there.

We celebrated test day/Fall Break with a trip to Chuck-e-Cheese. This was Levi’s first time and his excitement was so cute to see. And Malachi got a case of the giggles, thoroughly enjoying the competition in the arcades.

We are still in the middle of some pretty big battles right now, with health issues and insurance being at the top but several smaller battles ready on deck. With the boys back at school this week I will have my parking lot work hours back, three hours each day to sit at the boy’s school and do remote work from my car.

Last night I went down to the filing cabinet to dig out some paperwork and I stumbled across some things from high school. As I looked through these old pieces it felt like I was looking through a different person’s life. I laughed at the carefree things in that file- a girl with such simple dreams and priorities. And I grieved over the relationships lost and the unmet expectations of that young girl.

Next I found file folders with all of the medical records from the night each boy was born. I took a moment to read through a few pages and the memories started to flood in. Tiny little ink footprints on pages- attempts from the nurses to create normalcy in such a foreign and dark world.

As the night went on I was gripped with such a sense of loneliness, living a life that is unrelatable to others. I have a file cabinet full of chapters of a story I haven’t written but am a main character in.

I closed the file cabinet and went back upstairs to medicate Malachi. And as the night went on that pang of loneliness grew inside of me and I could feel an emotional breakdown coming on. So I leaned into it and let myself have a moment to mourn.

Malachi stayed up late last night and as I scrolled on my phone I stumbled upon a blog post from 4 years ago that was such a needed reminder. Maybe this post from the past will speak to your heart as well.

______

October 19, 2021

On Thursday and Friday Malachi spent a few hours at school at his request. Levi and I went into town and ran errands while we waited to pick him up and I tried to catch up on all the things that are exceptionally hard to do with a wheelchair and another toddler in tow.

Simply getting Levi out of the car and carrying him into a store in under 30 seconds was such a unique experience. I just felt so…normal. As we wheeled down the aisle with Levi in the cart I had people make eye contact with me and stop to interact with Levi. They complimented his hair, asked him his age, and smiled with their face and their eyes. I know that sounds like an odd thing to mention but special needs moms rarely get eye contact from strangers. We get awkward shuffles out of the way and we get lots of well meaning comments (“Wow you have your hands full!” or ”God gives special children to special people.” etc)

The anonymity I felt this week as just a typical mom was really refreshing- but then when I realized it was refreshing I felt a pang of guilt as if I were cheating on my special needs momma self. I love my unique motherhood journey and I have accepted the role that God has placed me in, but the social encounters this week really made me think.

I have been thinking specifically about relationships and how isolating our world can get. We have a wonderful community support system but sometimes it feels like we have worn out our welcome and we tend to see friends slowly start to drift away. Friendship with our family is a lot of work and we tend to ”bleed” onto those around us without intentionally doing so. I know this potential for friendship destruction exists so I catch myself trying to bubble wrap my friendships and not let always see the hard parts of our lives. I shield them away for fear of losing another friend, but in turn that leads to a superficial friendship that doesn’t last.

The psychology of rejection is something that has a grip on me. I don’t know if any of you share that same struggle. Each time I think I have overcome I am reminded by a circumstance or a memory that I have not fully healed from the many moments of rejection in my past from people I loved.

But I am coming to terms with the idea that God never intended us to blend in. And He provides a continual reminder in His word that our reliance should be placed on Him instead of others.

I can apply this thought to my family specifically, as God has clearly written us a novel that I have never seen in a bookstore.

But I can also apply this thought to the way we are called to live our life. When we strive to fit the mold of the world we will never be fulfilled. I think about those encounters with strangers in the store this week and how yes, it was refreshing but in the end still so unfulfilling. The devil used that temporary high in my heart to plant potential seeds of bitterness.

Matthew 7:13-14 ”Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is narrow and the way is constricted that leads to life, and there are few who find it.”

As a child of God I have chosen to walk the narrow road. It seems to foolish to know that I acknowledge that and then I complain about how narrow and sometimes isolating that road can be. As I reflect back on relationships that have dissolved I can’t ignore how toxic many of those friendships were in my walk with the Lord. Sometimes we foolishly mourn over branches that God has clearly pruned from our life to allow healthier fruit to grow.

Instead of looking for eye contact from strangers for encouragement on the road I need to make eye contact with God- because in the end that relationship will never dissolve. God welcomes my mess as He recognizes that He is the one who entrusted me with it.

______

Sincerely,

Leah

This entry was supposed to be posted on Sunday night but clearly that didn’t happen! There are certain seasons where the complicated nature of our world feels like water resting just below my chin, distracting me from other things. We are in one of those seasons.

A big part of being a medically complex mom is using my imagination to pretend like life isn’t THAT chaotic. We move through each day in our “normal” level of chaos and do our best to not look left and right…because that’s when we realize how abnormal our normal truly is.

When realities disrupt my imagination I am forced to look complexities in the eye. And then it usually leads to a “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” situation, a book that tells the story of a boy who gives a mouse a cookie which leads to a continuous circular chain or requests.

After Malachi’s spinal fusion earlier this year he lost the ability to urinate on his own. We have been managing his retention decently, hoping that his ability would return as he recovered from surgery. But here we are 6 months later and the problem still exists.

I don’t know if it is nerve related or something else but either way it needs to be investigated and treated. Urology is a new specialist for us and starting with a new doctor is absolutely exhausting. Summarizing Malachi’s medical history is like reciting the Declaration of Independence. And each of Malachi’s specialists tend to focus only on their specific issue and the solutions often compound other issues.

The urologist decided to try a new medicine that works as an Alpha blocker, allowing him to void more easily. In a typical patient this would be a great plan of action. For Malachi, slight changes in medications can trigger a domino effect in his world and de-rail so many other things, and this round is no exception.

Urology asked us to reduce his medication for his secretions. But reducing that medication caused his secretions to rest at the base of his throat and created some pretty intense respiratory symptoms and horrible oxygen levels. So that led to a visit to the Pulmonologist to explore other secretion management options.

Urology also ordered several tests and appointments, so off to the hopsital we went for imaging and a rough experience with the Children’s Hospital- it is too raw for me to get into right now without getting frustrated all over again. But my heart broke for my Malachi.

We slowly introduced the new medication and when we finally reached full dose Malachi’s epilepsy flared like a fire breathing dragon. This weekend the seizure clusters began, having over 40 seizures on Saturday.

This led to questions about it being strictly medication related….or exploring the idea that his disconnected shunt could also be a factor. I reached out to the Neurosurgeon to ask about an order for imaging who then passed me to the Neurologist. I have been trying to get help for several days now and each of his specialists seem to be passing the issue on to the next. And in the meantime Malachi’s seizure clusters still very much exist with dozens of episodes every day. And an exhausted Malachi.

So when do we sound the alarm? When do I decide to take him into the Emergency Room and work on getting those tests STAT? I feel like this is a urgent situation but when I am presenting it to his specialists they don’t seem to share my level of concern. Do I enter their mindset or stay vigilant in mine, recognizing that no one knows my son like I do.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called the medical mom dance. Always trying to decide if our chaos is chaotic enough to warrant a true emergency. And recognizing the regret that can easily take root should we not make the right decision for our warrior. But also recognizing that taking him into the Emergency Room could potentially introduce him into something entirely new that will lead to new and serious medical issues.

Malachi is very tired and not himself. When we medicate for new symptoms one of our biggest watchful concerns is whether or not we are trading “quality of life” for symptom management. We are hoping this is a honeymoon phase from introducing the new med and he will regulate soon. But until then we have to limit our interactions out of the house and try hard to not overstimulated his brain.

In addition to that chaos we are now receiving the medical bills from his $1.8 million Vanderbilt stay. Last week we received a bill for over $32,000. We have waiver programs to help us cover what insurance won’t but the phone calls to get the ball rolling and prevent it from going to collections are taking up a large portion of my to-do list. Just to stay compliant in these waiver programs I have to meet with case managers at least once a month, either remotely or in person in addition to all of our specialist appointments which are each an hour away.

My brain is fried. I don’t often reach these levels of exhaustion- physically, emotionally, spiritually. But we are here and I am up to my neck in it.

Please pray for Malachi. He has had such a hard week. And when we don’t have control of his seizures I am uncomfortable sending him to school. He is missing out on a lot right now socially. We attempted the rodeo this past weekend and Malachi had over 20 seizures in less than 2 hours, prompting us to head on home.

We have been trying to make up for the pause in his social calendar with visits to the farm to see his animal buddies. Tonight, Humphrey the baby camel is on the top of his favorites list. But Georgie the monkey and him have also bonded this week over his many attempted (but unsuccessful) robberies into Malachi’s wheelchair bag. Oh Georgie.

And lots of soccer games!

We have also been trying to entertain Malachi at home to keep him engaged and joyful as we sort out his new complications. We used some Kohls Cash to buy a tennis ball launcher for the boys to be able to throw the ball for the puppies and it has been so much fun.

Quick Levi story time. This one has been making me laugh…

Over the weekend I commented to Levi that we needed to go and grab our jackets. He said “Mom, did you know that some people call them jackETS and some people call them jackASSES?” (Obviously not a word that we use in our household)

I asked him where he heard this info and he told me that a kid at school had told him that. We corrected him of course, but hearing that word come out of his tiny 7 year old mouth did catch me off guard.

This week I am praying Philippians 4:7 over each member of my family.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I love the truth that the peace of God is like armor to a weary heart. Its purpose isn’t simply to provide comfort but to prevent…to guard from further wounding and disruption.

I pray that God’s peace will overwhelm Malachi in those scary seizures. I pray that his heart will be guarded from the chaos. And I pray that same prayer over our family, as each of us process the chaos in our world in very different ways.

God hasn’t given us an easy path to walk, but His presence along the way is a promise I cling to.

Sincerely,

Leah

When I look back over the last two weeks it truly has been a blur. We have been overwhelmed with medical paperwork, phone calls, and trying to navigate the many surprises that this life can bring. This coming week we will tackle 6 different appointments and tests and hope to get some resolution and understanding for some of the newest medical issues that have popped up.

This weekend we did a Carroll first and attempted camping in the woods in our backyard with some friends! We spent the first part of the evening swimming in the therapy pool, eating hibachi, and playing laser tag. Then when the sun went down we headed into the woods for a bonfire and s’mores.

Levi was an excited and anxious mess but managed to stay in the tent all night, much to our surprise. Malachi was very intrigued by the concept of camping, but we were having a hard time navigating how to make it happen for him and his 3am bedtime. I had decided that if he said he wanted to sleep in the tent we would absolutely make that happen. But after an hour or so at the campsite he voted to sleep in the bed for the night.

By the time I got him back up to the house his heart rate was high, his oxygen levels were dangerously low, his seizures started sparking, and his legs were hot to touch like he was running a fever but his core temperature was normal. We think the smoke from the bonfire sparked an immune response in him and his brain went haywire. By the morning he was relatively back to his normal self but started to struggle with his breathing again this afternoon.

Malachi’s body and brain always have trouble adjusting to new seasons. This is his first Fall post-op and I am hoping we see a difference in how his lungs manage these changes!

Our soccer season still has about 3 weeks left and the boys are still enjoying being on the sidelines with the team. It is one of our favorite things to do as a family, and all four of us truly look forward to games and practices with the teens.

Levi hasn’t offered any more of his infamous pep talks. This is year 14 for us coaching at the high school! I remember finding out I was pregnant with Malachi in the middle of the girls season and having to make up excuses as to why I was no longer kicking the ball.

I also remember specific games when I was pregnant with Levi and I would get so into the game he would start going wild with excitement in my belly. I would have to sit down and calm myself down to keep him from wildly kicking me.

Levi is also doing great in school, particularly in science and history. I have been pleasantly surprised by how much he is retaining, and he comes home excited to tell me about the new historical events they are learning about.

Levi’s cerebral palsy makes handwriting exceptionally difficult for him but we are seeing progress in his letter formation. He is reversing several of his letters, even with a guide to reference, so I am pursuing getting him tested for dyslexia. But look at this awesome progress below!

Malachi is still enjoying school and also gets to spend some time at work on the farm with mom while Levi is in school. He looks forward to those special mornings and can’t wait to get the day started.

On Saturday I had the opportunity to speak at a fundraising event for the therapeutic riding program that both boys use for their hippotherapy (physical therapy on horseback). Malachi has been riding for nearly 9 years and Levi has been riding for quite awhile as well.

We see so much progress with this specific therapy, and both boys look forward to their sessions every single week!

I always enjoy getting the chance to share some of our journey with others. I think it is so important to share openly about the hard parts and the hidden blessings. It is also a way for us to share God with others, as He is on every page of our story.

Malachi got to be my date for the evening, much to his excitement (and Levi’s dismay).

He loved the attention of being the only kid there. And he also thoroughly enjoys hearing his story shared and people coming up to meet him afterwards. He feels like a celebrity!

Talking through the different parts of our journey as parents has always been hard to organize. There are so many emotions, trials, victories…it truly is a roller coaster and the emotions that roller coasters elicit are hard to put into words.

This particular speech was slotted for only a few minutes, and whittling our story down to minutes was a hard task. As I shared some of the different chapters I represented some of those hard moments with a screw in a vase, the vase representing my vision of what motherhood would look like.

As I told our story I added screws to the vase for all of the hard parts we have gone through.

329 nights in the hospital

Over 50 surgeries

20 daily medications

Dozens of diagnoses, specialists, and bad reports

As the jar filled up with the screws I explained that there are a lot of sharp edges and hard things that have overtaken that initial vision I had for our family. There are things I will never unsee, emotions that can never be forgotten.

But the backdrop of hard brings out the beauty in the good. And there is so much good in our lives. There are so many blessings that are hidden throughout.

Philippians 4:8 reads: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

It is easy to lose sight of the good things God is doing. But the roses in life can always be found when we look hard enough and fix our eyes on the unseen rather than the seen.

I am reading through Romans with a small Bible study group and I spotted a sentence that caught my eye in Romans 8:24.

“But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?”

One of the biggest hidden blessings of this life is a renewed understanding of hope in Christ. A fresh faith that sees this life as a pilgrimage with a purpose.

Praise the Lord for gift of hope and the knowledge that there we were made for more than what this world has to offer.

Please pray for our family this week as we navigate through some new waters.

Sincerely,

Leah

There are a lot of unspoken conversations that take place in my heart- conversations that just don’t feel safe to say out loud as they sound so messy with no definitive “right” answer.

One of those conversations lately has been surrounding my ability to protect Malachi from mistreatment- both overt and subtle. He is such a pure child and doesn’t understand social structures or seasonal friendships. Frankly, I struggle with this too. I talked briefly about this in a post in July and the topic continues to pulse in my heart and re-evaluate many things.

A painful turn of one of my past friendships (which in turn hurt my sweet boy) has made me cautious towards so many things. One of those being whether or not I should be sending Malachi to school this year. I want to bubble wrap him and not introduce him to relationships that he will value and cherish significantly more than the other party. If I struggle with the emotions of feeling disposable then I can only imagine what it does to his naive and tender spirit.

For a typical child friendships would begin organically, but for Malachi this process requires intentionality. I want to surround him with people who display the unconditional love of God. And knowing that I can’t judge the intentions and heart of others it makes me want to just keep him home and shower him with all the love I have. But I also recognize that that isolation would rob him of so many opportunities for real and authentic friendship.

Malachi started his school year last month and I have watched him from afar, trying to hard to evaluate if school is something that enriches his quality of life. This year we increased his classroom time to 3 hours per day and he floats in and out of several classrooms with several friend groups. And after a month of school I have been blown away by how much it has changed him in amazing ways.

Malachi is now starting to communicate with other students, and they have eagerly and willingly learned how to read his sign language. Not because that kindness will be noticed and celebrated by teachers, but because they truly want to know him. The joy they have when they accurately read him communicating with them is so pure. It has also built Malachi’s confidence in being heard enough for him to attempt to communicate with others outside of the school setting.

He is regulating his sleep into a more predictable pattern, and staying awake the entire time he is at school. This has been one of the biggest surprises for me and a sign that he genuinely wants to be there every day as he is making the effort to change these patterns.

But the biggest blessing for me this past month is seeing so much joy pour out of him. There have even been mornings where he wakes up belly laughing, excited to start his day. Each afternoon as I recap his day at school with him his smiles are uncontrollable and his eyes shine with such an excitement. I can’t help but cry with joy when I see that joy.

School has most definitely improved his quality of life. And it is leading to such sweet friendships that are mutually beneficial and not one sided. He is getting to experience unconditional love from others outside of his family unit.

I also love seeing the heart of Christ that it is cultivating with the other kids. I sit in my car and watch them do such special things, like surrounding his chair and covering his eyes as a team of students from the sunlight when they wheel him outside. This week as I watched him interact with his friends at school I couldn’t help but think that these are the types of friends that would be willing to carry Malachi to the roof and lower him down through it to get him to the feet of Christ.

I am very thankful for the school he is in and the efforts they have taken to provide an inclusive environment for Malachi. In a public school system he would be in a self contained classroom, which would lead to friendships of course but not necessarily allow Malachi to experience the silliness, stinkyness, and chaos of being a typical 12 year old boy.

He is seen as a valued and cherished child of God. It is beautiful.

Levi is also enjoying the start of his 1st grade year and making big gains! The stories I could share with you from the last two weeks would keep you laughing; he always has something on his mind that leads to some pretty fun conversations.

Earlier this week he was getting read for a soccer game and telling me a story at the same time about a disagreement he had at school with a friend. He said “Mom, ______ said I was incapable.” I smiled to myself at the big word and asked him if he knew what it meant, to which he replied “It means I can’t do things right!”

I was pleasantly surprised that he knew the correct definition and then watched him come around the corner with his indignant little face, mad about being labeled “incapable”….and his shirt was on completely backwards.

Our high school soccer season is in full swing and the boys have been enjoying being side line for the games and practices. Levi has been taking his job as Manager very seriously.

Last week the girls lost their game and we were doing a final talk, highlighting the good and the bad from the night. Levi asked if he could say something to the team and I said “sure”, surprised he had something to say. He put on a very serious coaching face and put his hand out, sternly pointing at them and saying “I am ashamed of all of you.” I was flabbergasted and reversed that speech as quick as possible.

We had just watched the movie “Radio” with him and I guess seeing an intense coach on the big screen impacted him more than we imagined haha.

We had an incredible amount of medical appointments over the last week and Levi’s GI doc was happy with his progress on the growth curve. We have been trying to increase his g-tube nightly feeds to counteract the increased calorie burn from recess and school but he is very sensitive to these changes. Even the slightest increase of feed was making him wake up vomiting! It seems we have found a good balance for his belly and calorie count.

Levi also saw the pulmonologist last week and did a test to see if his lung function could be helped with an inhaler when he is active. The results showed that the restricted breathing is still solely from his paralyzed vocal cords.

Malachi had a CT scan to evaluate whether or not the shunt being broken was impacting his brain ventricle size. While the ventricles are a slightly different shape than the last scan the fluid level is still in a safe range. So we will continue to go in for CTs every few months to make sure his body is managing his spinal fluid well.

He also started seeing a urologist for some urinary issues and will require some testing/imaging later this month. It is always a little hard mentally when we add a specialist/diagnosis.

Psalm 91:11-12 “For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”
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I have this verse hanging in each of the boy’s bedrooms and therefore walk by it every night and every morning. Lately it has served as a reminder to me that, even though I am the primary caretaker on earth for these boys, God has commanded His angels to carry them through the life that He has chosen for them. And the angelic strength and mission is fueled by the will of God rather than the meager will of man.

Of course I want to keep their feet from striking rocks. But maybe the things I see as stones in the path that I try to avoid are the very tasks that God has prepared in advance for them to do (Ephesians 2:10).

Please pray over the wisdom we need to walk through unknown territories as the boy’s grow older and the fears change. And please pray for my ability to take every thought captive- my mind has been battling so much baggage lately.

Sincerely,

Leah

I am in a silly mood this evening so I figure I will bring you into that mood too by starting with a photo…

I picked Levi up from school last week and happened to notice that his pants were on backwards. I asked him about it and he said “I was wondering why my underwear kept showing in the back!” Apparently he changed into PE shorts and when he went back to his regular clothes got a bit confused haha. Oh Levi.

We have had an incredibly busy two weeks since my last post, and to be honest it stretched me beyond my limits. Settling into a new routine has been difficult. I also added in a new part time role of being a “caregiver” for Malachi through an established company.

Malachi has access to funding through a state waiver program and we have had trouble getting things approved to spend it on, like minor home modifications. One of the options presented was me getting hired through a home care company and using the funding towards my “salary” to care for Malachi. We pay this company a portion of his funds and I work 10 hours a week as his caregiver. Yes, I recognize the laugh-ability in this as I am his caregiver 24/7. But for 10 hours a week I clock-in and chart my shift, documenting all of the tasks I complete with him.

Originally this sounded like a great solution, and a way for us to earn some extra income to do the minor home modifications the waiver program kept denying. But WHEW the amount of work to become hired on as his caregiver was way more than I expected it to be! Hours and hours of classes, zoom meetings, in person trainings, etc.

I completed my first formal shift on Saturday and I am hoping this route proves to be worth the added hours of stress from these past few weeks.

Levi is having a great start to the school year! He struggles with fine motor skills and needs a lot of extra help, but he is showing so much progress. His letters last year were illegible so these are some big victories for us.

He is enjoying school and we are blessed to have him in a setting that perfectly meets his needs. Both Levi and Malachi are still continuing therapies each week and working on building muscle.

Malachi is also thriving in school and really enjoys his new schedule. He is a social butterfly and looks forward to seeing his friends each day. I have been pleasantly surprised by his stamina, lasting three hours each day!

Malachi had a HUGE weekend and he is still reeling from the excitement. This past Saturday Malachi got the chance to run in a 5k with a group called Addie Ray racing! They have special wheelchairs and volunteers to run with them. One of the runners for him was the dad of the Chick-fil-a family we connected with back in 2017 when Malachi’s post went viral!

The day before the race Malachi signed that he was excited, and the morning of he signed that he was nervous. He was very serious during the actual race, like a teenager playing it cool, which made Jake and I smile.

Here are some photos of him crossing the finish line, finishing the 5k in just over 22 minutes!

Here is a quick video from his special day:

And here is his post-race interview later that evening:

After the race he went to a school friends house for a birthday party and had the best time playing with his friends. The birthday boy made an extra effort to include Malachi, choosing games he knew he could participate in. Needless to say, Malachi’s cup was filled to the brim this weekend with joy and inclusion.

We have several big appointments over the next two weeks. Both boys see the pulmonologist and the GI doctor. Malachi has a CT scan and an appointment with the neurosurgeon to decide what to do about his broken shunt. And Malachi starts seeing a new specialist next week. Lots of hospital trips on the horizon, but hoping for some good reports!

Last week I took the boys on a quick errand and we ran into someone we had not seen in a few months. He made a brief comment about another special needs family in our town losing their son after 30 years and how lost they now were without him.

We get these comments a lot from very well intentioned people. When you are disconnected from our world it can be easy to lump all special needs kids/families into the same category. But diagnoses, outcomes, and families are all so different so I often let comments and situations like these bead up and roll off me- scared of the emotions that will bubble up if I allow myself to role play too long.

But as we drove away I looked into the back seat to see tears streaming down Levi’s face. He was doing his best to hide them from me. I pulled the car over and turned to talk with him and the dam broke loose. He started sobbing, asking me why that other boy died? I truthfully didn’t know but asked him if that made him worry about Malachi dying. He nodded yes and my heart ached for him, seeing a reflection of section of my heart I do my best to hide from my children.

We talked about God’s plan for Malachi’s life. And how he has already lived WAY longer than any of the doctors predicted. I explained that God has a plan for Malachi and that is why he is still here; and how blessed we are to have such an amazing son and brother. Malachi listened intently to every word, showing his proud face as we talked about him defying the predicted outcomes. And Levi nodded through his tears.

But my heart continued to hurt as we made the rest of the drive home. The heaviness that talks like these must have on Malachi….and the questions that must brew in his brain when others share hard things like this around him. And the weight that Levi carries, loving Malachi so much that it pains him to imagine a world without him. This is a part of special needs parenting that there isn’t a guide for. So I have to follow my heart. Sometimes that means pulling over on the side of the road and entering that space with them. Sometimes that means telling them what they need to hear at the moment…even when the words don’t match the statistics.

Last week I had the honor of speaking to a group of people in a drug rehabilitation parolee program. This was the first time I had the chance to share a bit of our story with a non-religious group, but I also had permission to talk about God within that story. The day went beautifully, and they listened with such intensity as I shared.

As I prepared for that day, I asked God to give me the right words to say and the scripture he would like me to focus on and he led me to 2 Corinthians 4:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but no abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed…Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.”

Oh, how grateful I am that there is more to this life than what I can see. I am thankful for the hope we have in Christ Jesus. I can’t imagine trying to walk through this life without hope in Him.

Thank you for checking in on our family, and I hope to have some good medical updates for you the next time I write.

Much love,

Leah

School is officially back in session! Levi walked in this year with confidence and excitement.

Malachi was a little bit nervous, but those nerves went right out the window when he pulled in and all the kids started shouting “Hey Malachi!”

Transparency moment- I have had some big emotions this week. Last year when we started Malachi in a new school he was very quiet and anxious. It took him several weeks to get comfortable enough to sign with his teachers and interact with other kids his age.

On day one of this year he was joking with his teachers and by day two he was signing that he wanted to sit with a different group of friends at lunch. He feels safe, seen, and heard. He came home from the first day of school giggling and he didn’t stop until bedtime. He was SO excited to tell Jake about his day and can’t wait to go back again this week.

Malachi gets to make choices about what his school day looks like and his choices make me laugh. Last week he chose study hall haha. He is attending 3 hours a day, 4 days a week, leaving a day for therapies. I stay on site for medical emergencies (a cooperative agreement we have with his school as they are not fully equipped for medically complex) and spend the time in the lobby knocking out tasks for my two remote jobs.

Having something for him to look forward to each day is just such a gift for us all. Our goal is quality of life for Malachi, and I often feel like I am failing him at that goal. But this week I have watched a light dance in his eyes again and it has blessed us all so much.

And y’all….we had to shave his mustache off. Yes, you read that right. Malachi is officially shaving and very proud of it.

Flashback to Malachi’s first ever day of school. What a little nugget he was!

This weekend Levi started talking to me about school and suddenly grew very sad. I asked him what was wrong and he explained that when he is on the playground at school with his friends he gets really tired and can’t breathe. He said “Mom, all the other kids can still breathe and they just keep playing, but I have to stop and sit down.”

I had to catch my emotions quickly in that moment and give him a big hug. Sometimes it is hard to be different. And he is officially old enough to start noticing those and mourning those differences more.

I continually tell him that God is writing a pretty amazing testimony in his life, and that it is okay that he does things a little differently than other kids. But sometimes those big concepts don’t always ease tiny hearts.

There are more surgical interventions we can do with his airway, but they will reduce or even remove his voice and his ability to eat by mouth. Jake and I have always said that we would like to wait until he is old enough to make that decision for himself.

Malachi is truly loving his new chair, especially now that we added a giant snake all twisted around the frame. He was giggling thinking about all the people in his world that will be scared of it and I snapped this silly photo. He is such a prankster.

Jake and I actually had a pretty hard conversation last night, discussing some of our biggest fears for the boys. He told me that Levi choking on food when we aren’t around is currently on the top of his list. With a wide open airway that can’t close itself, the risk of choking is much much higher.

The amount of lingering fears we hold for our boys is overwhelming. And we have to keep reminding each other that their future rests in the hands of a very capable God. He knows the rest of their story, and trusting in His timelines is a big part of faith.

In lighter news: WE GOT OUR VAN BACK! We are now working with insurance to get reimbursed in full for the rentals we had to get over the last month. But being back in my van has made me appreciate it even more than before!

It is incredibly easy to get overwhelmed in our medically complex world. I could go on and on about the battles we have to continually fight. The hoops we have to jump through. These menial tasks have a unique way of making me feel isolated in this calling and the weight of fighting each of these bills, stop signs, clerical errors, and nonsense can get very heavy.

Adding those “extras” to our everyday life, medication schedules, appointments, etc oftentimes push me beyond my limits.

I was overwhelmed this weekend as I talked with Jake about the many things I have to tackle when businesses (and phone lines) open back up Monday morning. I was explaining to him about this bittersweet spot we are in, wishing for a less strenuous lifestyle but recognizing that the cost of that trade off is our literal worst nightmare.

I oftentimes find it hard to even know how to pray. There are days I thank God for the chaos, recognizing it is a life I almost didn’t get with my Malachi. And there are days where I mourn the normal and the calm, speaking these emotions to God through tears.

In 2 Kings 6 there is a story about the prophet Elisha and his servant. An enemy king send his army to the city Elisha was in to capture him. That morning he woke up early and walked outside of his tent to see an army with horses and chariots circling the city.

“And his servant said to him, ‘Alas my master! What shall we do?’ So he answered, ‘Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.’ Then Elisha prayed and said ‘O Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.’ And the Lord opened the servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.”

I often have the eyes of that servant, blinded to the hand of the Lord that is very actively working behind the scenes of our battles. We miss the rescue that is taking place when we continue to focus on the flames of the fire.

This week I have needed an “open his eyes” moment from God…a reminder that He is indeed at work and I am not alone in this daily fight. This is a truth that has never changed, but one I tend to forget what I am focused on my own inept abilities.

Tonight I am thankful for the army that I can’t see, and the God that has dispatched them. What a merciful and loving God He is to continue to rescue us again and again when we continue to fail.

Blessings,

Leah