These last two weeks have been a blend of fun, mundane, and medical.

It was Levi’s turn for a field trip with his class to the apple orchard!

Levi had a very important trip to the eye doctor last week to test and quantify the damage in his optic nerves. He did not have enough oxygen support at some point during his early weeks in the hospital and has a few areas in his brain that were damaged through that struggle. The eye doctor recognized that his optic nerves also atrophied during this oxygen deprivation but we wouldn’t know the full extent until he was old enough to sit still for a specific test. In appointments leading up to this one the doctors suspected that he was losing vision in one eye and that the other nerve was significantly impacted as well.

He was finally old enough to tackle the test this week! The ideal range for the optic nerve is 100-120, and Levi’s eyes scored a 73 and a 75. There is definitely some atrophy but this it is considered mild and not enough to cause legal blindness or major visual impairment, praise the Lord!

Levi had esotropia at birth (eye misalignment) which we corrected surgically as a baby. His right eye also has amblyopia, also known as a lazy eye, so we are monitoring the vision in that eye in case the brain decides to “shut it off” and rely only on the left eye only. His eyesight is actually pretty good considering all of the drama! His glasses have a very slight prescription in one lens but also serve as eye protection for his “good” eye.

Malachi has been dealing with some minor medical issues that I won’t go into great detail about, but he has had some rough moments over the last two weeks. Cerebral palsy affects the muscles, including the intestines, which leads to a lot of belly trouble for kids like Malachi.

But he has had lots of happy moments too. Look how long those legs are! And how much he has outgrown his wheelchair! He is still thoroughly enjoying his time at school each afternoon and it has become a bright spot in his days.

We were able to find a sweet and patient local seamstress to work with us on adapting some coats for Malachi. Getting clothes on and off easily is getting more challenging. He was very excited to get a school jacket like everyone else.

We took a quick trip to Atlanta to visit with cousins and got to watch one of them in a play. Levi was so impressed and animated, loving every minute of it. It was a hard day for Malachi but he did enjoy listening to the show. He has started a new pattern of only sleeping every other night and is so sleepy by the end of the second day.

He perked up in time to paint some pumpkins with some church friends.

Levi picked some pretty flowers for mom. He has been very intentional lately about finding ways to do things for others and it has touched my heart so much.

And finally, we got to hang out with some of our farm friends at the Holy Ghost Wiener Roast! Each year the owners open their farm to the community and sponsor the entire event for free…admission, food, inflatable, games, and more as a way to steward the many gifts God has given them.

This week we have some pretty big appointments. The kids and I will travel to Nashville to meet with the surgeons about Malachi’s hips, feet, and spine. I suspect we are going to hear some hard news so we could use a lot of prayers for safety and for wisdom.

In the medical mom world there is always a list of things lingering in the background of our life, full of things I can easily pick and choose to worry about. Many of our diagnoses can’t be cured by doctors or completely resolved with medications and surgeries, so even when they aren’t a current issue they are still on the bench just waiting for their chance to make themselves known in the game again.

That requires me being vigilant, acknowledging their presence and watching for signs of new issues. But also not letting the worry consume me. And boy is that balance I often fail to find.

In Luke 9 we read: “And He sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to perform healing. And He said to them, ‘Take nothing for your journey, neither a staff, nor a bag, nor bread, nor money; and do not even have two tunics apiece.’”

My sin nature is to be a control freak. To be able to come up with a solution for every problem and be prepared for every emergency, both physically and mentally.

My sin nature is to rely completely on myself…extreme in dependence. It is a coping mechanism I have unintentionally developed due to so many others letting me down in the past.

But walking with God and doing His will is not something we can ever do on our own. A Spirit led life requires complete and total reliance on Him. It requires measures of humility and submission that don’t come naturally.

Jesus’ command to the disciples allowed their faith to grow legs and trust that when you walk in the paths He asks you to walk that He will provide the things you need for that journey.

Even though I know this and understand this I still sometimes foolishly forget. And I spend my energy prepping my bags with extra bread, some spare change, and a second tunic instead of trusting in God to be present and active every step of that journey.

Tonight I heard a song I hadn’t listened to in quite awhile called
“Make Room” and the lyrics hit me a bit differently as I struggle accepting the one tunic expectation from the Lord.

Here is where I lay it down, every burden every crown

This is my surrender

Here is where I lay it down, every lie and every doubt

This is my surrender

So this week I am working on surrender. Please pray for our family as we navigate uncharted waters.

Much love,

Leah

Tonight we are wrapping up our fall break and begrudgingly getting ready for routines again.

Malachi has been getting a lot of social time in and boy does he now crave it! He is always so happy to head to school each day and is just as excited when we have soccer games in the evening. I have really enjoyed watching him making more of an effort to communicate with people he isn’t as familiar with.

Levi also finds his happy place at soccer games, floating from the soccer girls to the fans, making friends and creating laughter. One of the parents snapped this photo of him joining the team for a pre-game prayer.

One game this week he was playing with a girl that (according to him) wasn’t being kind. He came to tell me about it and I told him to find someone else to play with. He said “Mom, I think I will go be Jesus to her.” Then marched off on a mission. I smiled, then watched the encounter to see how it would go,

Malachi had his first field trip for the year at the pumpkin patch with friends. He had a hard night and was running on just a few hours to sleep. He tried his very best to have fun, and did enjoy a few hours but by lunchtime he signed that he was ready to go home. I really enjoyed getting to see him around his classmates and see all the kindness and inclusion taking place. They were very aware of where he was at all times, making efforts to include him in all the fun things.

We had plans on paper for a fun filled fall break week but as Malachi’s sleep patterns started to fade so did our plans. We did get to have a few adventures near the end of the week!

On Saturday we took a quick day trip to visit the Knoxville Zoo. I was more focused on family time than taking photos so I don’t have too many fun ones to share! And we are in that phase of 6 year old photo taking, where every single smile looks like I am behind the camera threatening him…I assure you I am not haha!

We also got the chance to visit with a sweet college friend and her family at our favorite farm! She and her family booked a stay there and texted to see if we could stop by for a visit. We are always so happy when others get to enter “our world” if that makes sense. We already know accessibility options and it makes planning so much easier.

In between the fun adventures we squeezed in several doctor appointments, therapies, and medical phone calls.

Jake and I are reading through the Bible this year doing The Bible Recap plan. We just finished the Old Testament and are headed into the New Testament! This particular plan has chunked a lot of the “synoptic” (same) gospels together so you get to read the same account/story written by several different perspectives. Sometimes they sound a lot alike and sometimes there are pretty big details added or omitted.

I have read these gospels so many times in my life, but I continue to be amazed at how many small things I have missed! Case in point…did you know that Jesus’ earthy paternal grandfather was named Jacob? I don’t know how I missed that all these years.

Anyway…

In Luke 2 there is a verse that has resonated with me since Malachi’s birth.

“But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.” (Verse 19)

The shepherds had a visit from an angel telling them about the birth of Christ and where to find the child. That angel was joined by a host of angels praising God and giving Him the glory. The shepherds went straight to Bethlehem to find the baby and shared with Mary what the angels had said and that is what she “treasured” and “pondered”.

I have always been a little confused by this, as Mary herself had been visited by an angel and had already been told that she was favored and would birth Son of God! She even sang a song about it in Luke 1. So why was she cherishing these affirming words from strangers so much? Shouldn’t God’s promises the first time be enough?

And while I could sit back and pretend to make an argument about how weak her faith must have been or how she maybe didn’t truly believe…the truth is that I see myself and my faith a whole lot in Mary.

When I read the Word I see the providence of God play out again and again and again. I see the miraculous, the powerful, the phenomenal. I see God’s plan being played out exactly as He intended it. I see prophecies come true and faith ignite in so many different characters.

I KNOW the truth in a cognitive sense. But sometimes my heart doesn’t follow my head and doubt creeps in with discouragement close on its heels.

I told Jake yesterday that my faith is tired. I don’t doubt who God is and I am not angry with Him. But I am just so tired.

And when I look at Mary I wonder if she sometimes experienced the same weariness. The calling that she was given likely came with a lot of ridicule as an unwed mother. A lot of uncertainty, giving birth to the Son of God in a stable. I suspect that Mary’s calling was a lot harder than she ever imagined it would be when the angel Gabriel made that first visit to her.

I am in rambling mode right now, trying to decipher why I typed all that I did just now.

But I think the encouragement for me this week is that God is the God who sees me (El Roi). And I believe that God knew that Mary needed those precious words from the shepherds in that very moment to remind her that He is good and very much still at work.

And tonight I find myself thankful for a God that sees us in our weakest moments and gives His presence in abundance. I am thankful that He gives us moments to treasure and ponder…moments that remind us of our encounters and conversations with Him. What a good God He is!

Much love,

Leah

October is almost here and it is my absolute favorite month. The visible change on the trees always reminds me of how creative God is! There is a line in Anne of Green Gables that I always think of: “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”

The weather drama tends to slow down in October and Malachi just seems to level out. He has a VP shunt and barometric pressures can really affect him. We have several big appointments in October this year- Levi’s eye test and appointment, Malachi’s spine and orthopedic appointments, and a few other biggies.

Both boys are doing well with their schooling. Levi had a handwriting test last week that he worked so hard on so we celebrated big time. Those fine motor tasks are such a challenge for him. We don’t aim for perfection but just HIS best.

And Malachi is still loving spending a few hours each day with his friends…and getting a break from his mom.

Malachi’s cold from the first week of September continued to linger in his lungs so we started an antibiotic to kill any bacteria that might be sticking around. We also have continued breathing treatments and respiratory regiments to keep it from turning into pneumonia but thankfully he hasn’t needed any supplemental oxygen since our last post.

Mom guilt is a tricky thing. And I would venture to say a little bit more complex for a family like ours as equality isn’t really every something we can truly offer.

As Levi grows I find myself eager to find adventures that align with his interests and be a little more bold and ambitious. When Malachi was younger I was much more hesitant to enter new places, partly because of his compromised immune system. I was thinking back to when Malachi was 6 years old, like Levi is now, and that was when Levi joined our family and we were displaced at the hospital in Cincinnati for nearly 5 months. Then when we came home we were dealing with a new world of oxygen and feeding pumps, limiting my boldness as a mom even more.

When I reflect on my eagerness to give Levi fun memories right now I find myself feeling bits of shame that I didn’t try harder for Malachi when he was this age. I remember mild attempts, like the Harlem Globetrotters, but we were new into the medical world and many of our attempts overstimulated him and set him into massive seizures.

Two weekends ago we booked tickets to Disney On Ice and successfully kept it a surprise until the car ride there- something that is oddly hard to do with nosey Levi.

Levi loved the show, eagerly sitting on the edge of his seat and watching with imagination. I narrated the show to Malachi and he just sat and listened, unamused and frankly bored. When I asked him if he liked the show he signed a very half-hearted yes and did so in a way that I knew he was simply trying to not hurt my feelings (sweet boy).

I started wondering….did I miss it? Did I miss that precious age with Malachi where imaginations can run wild?

Entering the scene: mom guilt.

Now logical Leah can sit and explain that his tastes have changed. That we were doing what we thought was in his best interest at the time. Etc, etc, etc.

But illogical Leah says that I just didn’t try hard enough. And that time is running out. The imagination is still there and running strong. So how do I unlock that?

And the realistic Leah recognizes that my ability to continue to help Malachi physically experience certain parts of this world is dwindling. He is now 55 pounds and talking people into letting him try things is getting more and more difficult, mostly being told no due to liabilities.

The boys had two days off this week and I decided that I was going to find a knock-it-out-of-the-park home run of an idea that both boys would love. I went through the classics and just couldn’t seem to be content with recycling things we have already done.

And then I found it…the golden idea that both boys would love. Close to our hometown in Ohio there is a massive Renaissance Festival that takes place each fall. Jousting, falconry, knife throwing, horses, knights, games, rides. This particular one offers 100 shows each day! I planned out our itinerary for the show and then started packing bags.

I tried to think of all the potential emergencies and plan for them. We packed oxygen concentrator, breathing machine, CPT machine, cannulas, pulse ox, and so many more devices that would stay in our car just in case it was needed. Then the meds, supplies and diapers that we use on a daily basis.

I broke the news to the boys about our special surprise trip and they were both giddy with excitement. Unfortunately Jake had to stay in Tennessee for work. We made it to Ohio just in time for the overflow weather from the hurricane to hit. The forecast looked awful for an outdoor festival but at this point I was invested and determined to make it happen for Malachi.

We woke up the day of the festival and we grabbed our rain boots and rain coats and picked up my little brother who wanted to also join in on the fun. We made it all the way out to the entrance only to find out that the power had gone out and the festival was suddenly closed for the day.

I now had three very disappointed kids in the car so I declared it “Spectacular Saturday” and made it a yes day for them. We played arcades, mastered laser mazes, rocked some laser tag rounds, ate sandwiches and so many more fun things.

Later that evening I asked Malachi if we should try to do the festival the next day right before we had to leave town and he flashed the quickest grin. His little heart was just so set on it.

So we made plans to try again but unfortunately the power still had not returned to the festival Sunday morning so we made the trip back to Tennessee.

We didn’t get to do our big adventure but we still made some memories. Obviously Malachi was disappointed but after a few grumpy hours he moved on. And he was able to finish a few books on the drive, including “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” which made him happy.

And to be truthful, I really enjoyed the book as well. There were so many things I spotted as an adult that just meant something different from when I was a child.

One particular line that caught my ear was about one of the main characters named Peter.

“Peter did not feel very brave; indeed, he felt he was going to be sick. But that made no difference to what he had to do.”

Wow did that line hit me hard.

Being in Ohio is difficult for me. There are so many memories there, both from my childhood and my time in the hospital with Levi. It seems that every road I pass brings up some buried memory- sometimes good and sometimes bad.

I struggled very much this trip with trauma. And what is so intriguing to me is that trauma is so ingrained that it can overtake your body and mind without any effort or consciousness at all.

I was zoned out, focusing on the road, and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. It came on so quickly and aggressively that it caught me off guard and I started to look around to find the origin. At that very moment I was passing a exit we used to often take when Levi was in the ICU in Cincinnati. I was on a road we hadn’t really traveled since then and my mind kept the score.

2 Corinthians 10:4-5

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

This weekend reminded me of many strongholds that still exists in my walk with Christ- things that tend to take my focus away from Him. Taking every thought captive is an exhausting process but absolutely necessary for keeping focused on Him.

Levi is a very sensitive 6 year old so Malachi and I have been listening to the more mature content books when he is away or sleeping. We made it to the final chapters of the book where Aslan the lion goes to war against the witch and Levi woke up.

I looked in my mirror at Malachi who was on the edge of his seat with excitement, eager to hear what happened next. And Levi asked what the story was about so I decided to give him a quick summary to catch him up so we could continue the final chapters.

I explained that Edmund had made some bad choices and the penalty was death. But Aslan the lion took his place to save Edmund. As I talked through the details of this I found myself getting very emotional, touched by the parallels of what Christ did for us. The similarities in the story were not lost on Levi and he said “Just like Jesus died for us!”

And the three of us listened to the hard parts of that story together, knowing that something even greater was coming.

Sincerely,

Leah

After a long two weeks our family is finally all healthy, well, and off of oxygen. Jake’s cold from two weeks ago made it through the family, hitting everyone except for Levi. There is no explanation other than God as to why Levi didn’t get it!

I know it sounds odd but it is helpful when I get the sickness before Malachi so I can gauge a timeline of symptoms and how difficult it will be on his system. When you are raising a non-verbal child each day is like a mystery, trying to collect clues and fill in the wordless gaps as best as possible.

There was a 24 hour chunk between the photo above and the photo below. Malachi started to shut down as the symptoms came on, slowing his breathing down to dangerous levels. As soon as his oxygen dropped we started supplemental oxygen and his breathing treatment regiment: nebulizer, cough assist, CPT (shaky) vest. We also kept Motrin on board regularly to keep him comfortable.

Malachi’s cerebral palsy, specifically his low tone, makes it hard for him to clear his airways. He was pretty miserable but still had a great attitude. We canceled his in-person appointments for the week and focused on resting and healing.

This weekend we were able to wean him back of oxygen safely and we are back into our normal routines! I am so incredibly thankful that we have been given access to all of his home equipment. We can run the equivalent of a regular hospital room here at the house, allowing us to stay home during illnesses like this one.

Prior to having these home machines we would have to be admitted with every respiratory illness, often staying for weeks while we waiting on him to be strong enough to get discharged. I can think back to the dozens of times we have just sat in the hospital, trying to overcome a common cold and being exposed to much worse illnesses in the process.

I am increasingly thankful for the relationships and the trust we have been able to develop with his specialists! Home is the best place for him to heal and for us to truly watch for his baseline without other factors added in.

Malachi got off of his oxygen just in time for us to attend the Make-a-Wish night at the Red Wolves soccer game in Chattanooga this weekend. Attending sports events is one of his favorite things to do. He loves the crowd drama, the chaos, and having the game narrated play by play. You can tell when he is intently listening by his eyes…I took a few pictures so you could see his engagement as Jake narrated for him.

On a side note- a shameless plug here….Malachi and Jake love to watch the Bengals games together when they are televised here in Tennessee. If any of our Ohio friends ever have access to some discounted Bengals tickets send me a message! It would be such a treat/memory for them to attend a game in person together. I would video them watching a game to share it with you but Jake might be too embarrassed by his intensity haha. Malachi shouts, laughs, and screams with joy too.

Anyway, back to the Red Wolves…

We kept the game a secret from the boys just in case Malachi wasn’t stable enough for us to go. So when we finally told them where we were going as we drove there Levi was ecstatic. He loves our family adventures, and even more when they are a surprise.

The Red Wolves is not the most accessible arena, so the only way to watch the game from inside the stadium is going through the Executive Suite, which has unlimited drinks, cookies, and hot dogs- Levi’s love language. The Red Wolves have always been so kind when we attend games to make sure Malachi can be included in the fun!

The night ended with fireworks over the stadium. It was a special night and a much needed adventure after several weeks of staying home and healing.

Prior to sick week(s) the boys had some great school days. Malachi is still coming out of his shell and we have been so happy and thankful with the huge progress Levi is making.

This week I wore many hats as mom, nurse, respiratory therapist, etc. I am not trained for a single one of those roles so we figure it out as we go, using observations I have gathered over the years from our many stays.

One particular night this week Malachi seemed very stable and strong so I tried turning his oxygen down a tiny bit. He handled the change for a few minutes, then started to dip his saturations into the dangerous stage again so I turned him back up.

As I was contemplating what to do next I thought back to the last time we were in the ICU. Malachi had a hard time bouncing back from a respiratory illness and needed high flow oxygen to help push the carbon dioxide out of his system. He started at 20 liters which is crazy high.

It took several days for us to wean him down from such a high liter. He handled the wean process well until we got down into the lower liters. I remember the respiratory therapists coming in and turning him down a liter and leaving the room. Malachi handled the change decently for a few minutes, then dropped down into the low range and struggled to breathe. My momma heart panicked and called them back in to re-evaluate if he was handling the wean safely and they reassured me that this was the only way to truly test his respiratory system. If we didn’t challenge it by decreasing the flow we wouldn’t truly know when he was ready to come off of it.

Malachi’s numbers would dip low for awhile, but as he continued to work on his breathing at the lower liter amount he would steadily find his breathing pattern and his body would settle into the change.

This process continued, as did the struggle moments in between each wean. I didn’t want to watch him struggle. I wanted to see his chest move up and down with ease. And when things were hard I wanted to rescue him. But his body needed to feel the struggle and overcome it.

This week as I cared for Malachi I kept flashing back to those uncomfortable moments for me bedside, watching him struggle through the wean process. I can still feel the panic bubble up in my belly just thinking about it.

But the more I thought about the process the more I recognized its necessity.

As I read through the Word this week I couldn’t get this process out of my mind. The process of removing the comfortable and exchanging it for the struggle with the desire for growth.

I thought about the many emergencies and moments that have happened in our lives where our comfortable was very drastically removed. And like Malachi, I sustained the transition on my own for a very short time only to realize that something had to change.

The struggle had the ability to strengthen me through leaning into the Lord’s strength or break me by relying on my own.

Faith is a choice. It isn’t a one time choice, or a moment of salvation. It is an every second of every day decision to pursue, obey, honor, and submit to God.

These trials that we face are an opportunity for our faith to grow legs and learn to walk through new waters. Like Jesus healing the lame, we are able to miraculously be given the strength and ability to walk into into the roles God has called us into. Even the hard ones.

Romans 5:3-5 “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does it put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Tonight I am thankful for the Holy Spirit that has been poured into my heart by God. I am thankful that He trusts me enough to wean me off of the comfortable and patient with me as I struggle a bit and realize that I cannot do things apart from Him. I am thankful that God has armed me with the weapon of faith as he calls me to battlefields that I am not prepared to enter.

What a treasure a walk with the Lord is. And what peace it brings in the midst of chaos.

Thank you for your prayers last week over our family.

Leah

We are now a few weeks into the school year and both boys have been settling into their new routines. Academic work is a real struggle for Levi, but watching him develop a work ethic and try hard has made me proud!

I laughed out loud looking at those last two photos of Malachi. His legs have grown so incredibly long and he doesn’t easily bend at his knees. I think he is going to outgrow this wheelchair sooner rather than later.

We have successfully been able to get Malachi’s bedtime from 3am to 1:30am and all meds have titrated to more reasonable schedules.

Malachi has been very quiet at school still and tells me he is “embarrassed” when they they are helping him use his instruments or when he is the focal point of anything. Seeing him so quiet and reserved has been such a surprise for me. Every day I am encouraging him on the way to school to be himself but he is still holding back.

Late last week I watched him sign successfully with his teacher and it brought me to tears. I love seeing him work towards some independence. How empowering it must feel! I keep asking him if I need to come to class with him to help him be himself and he is very quick to sign no. Not cool, mom. Not cool.

Last week a student came up to Malachi and asked innocently “What’s wrong with him?” Malachi pursed his lips, clearly offended and unamused by the comment. As the teacher softly corrected the student I leaned down and explained to Malachi that he had likely not seen a child in a wheelchair before and that we needed to give him some grace on his wording.

Later that evening I was recapping the conversation with Jake and Malachi and apparently Levi was listening in. The next day at school he went up to the boy and indignantly said “You hurt my brother’s feelings!”

If I am being honest, seeing Levi stand up for Malachi touched me deeply. Their relationship continues to grow in so many beautiful ways.

During our homeschool hours Malachi is finishing several chapter books each week and doing great! Levi is also working hard at home on his virtual schoolwork and is discovering a new love for Malachi’s audiobooks. He wakes up talking about where we left off in the story.

We have been blessed with a stretch of “simply routine”. Routine appointments, therapies, issues, etc. But there is always an undercurrent of potential emergencies that dances in the background of my mind.

One of the hardest parts of being a medical mom is knowing when to react and when to wait and see. There is a delicate line there. There are certain rules that I have made up in my mind for when I take them into the hospital when they are sick but sometimes issues pop up that could potentially be a big deal. I know when we mention them to providers it is going to lead to a frenzy of panic, imaging, tests, and appointments. Which is often warranted. But knowing that it will lead to chaos makes me really sit and process to make sure it is necessary at that stage or if it should wait.

We had one such issue last week with Malachi. He has grown a lot over the last few months and I have been watching his rib cage slowly become less symmetrical. Both of his hips are dislocated and Malachi has significant scoliosis so there never really is an ideal shape, but it has definitely become more prominent.

We were scheduled to see the orthopedic and spine surgeons in a few weeks and they just rescheduled that appointment to late October. I sent them images of the rib cage changes over email and mentioned it to Malachi’s physical therapist. She was very alarmed and sent us for X-rays immediately.

In the meantime, Vanderbilt surgeons wrote back and assured me that we can wait until his appointment in late October to make the plan but it looks like his scoliosis has progressed to the point of needing spine surgery. This is a big deal and something we have been dreading, but if left untreated it can lead to lung restriction and him not being able to breathe.

This first image shows his scoliosis in 2021. Not too bad (in context).

This next image was taken last week and is obviously pretty bad. Our criteria for surgery was a 50 degree curvature and he was at 45 degrees last October (35 the year before that). I am already dreading that October appointment and bracing for the hard conversations that will have to take place.

Malachi isn’t indicating that he is in pain, and in fact giggled during his X-rays, clearly loving the attention from the pretty techs.

Between schoolwork, therapies, appointments, and soccer we are definitely sleeping hard each night!

The dogs don’t sleep with Levi but they go in to tuck him in each night. He loves them so much!

I am still adjusting to all the recent schedule and life changes. The thing I didn’t account for was how physically sore I would be from taking care of Malachi solo after a summer of having Jake around to help. He is growing and lifting him is getting more complicated. And the mental fog that comes from a lack of sleep and in increase in responsibilities.

Last week I shared a portion of an interview with you from Martin Pistorius. I have been reading his book, Ghost Boy, over the last few weeks and what an eye opener it has been! I highly recommend it to all parents, friends, caregivers, and family members to someone who is nonverbal. Trigger warning- there are some really hard parts to read in this book that talk about abuses he suffered.

Martin was very much like Malachi for years, trapped inside his own body with no way to communicate. He writes about the things he observed about his own parents and I have shed so many tears reading through his perspective.

He wrote a sentence about his father (his primary caregiver) at the very end of one of those chapters and it felt like I was looking in a mirror.

“While I can’t be sure, I sometimes wonder if all these lost hopes and dreams are the reason why a man as intelligent as my father has learned to hide his emotions so deeply that I sometimes wonder if he knows where they are anymore.”

This deep thought made me gasp as it describes something I really struggle with. And I would venture to say that most medically complex moms also deal with this same struggle.

We are required to keep tight reins on our emotions. That sometimes appears like we are being arrogant, fake, and closed off but in fact that is a coping mechanism we have developed to compartmentalize our grief. I am not advocating for his, nor am I claiming that this is a healthy practice. It is not something I set out to do or glamorize.

But it has become a part of our caregiving/parenting (my primary identity right now aside from Christ follower of course) and therefore overflows into my friendships and other relationships. Our children have hearts that beat in tune with ours. My emotions flow directly into Malachi and he often matches them. He is so in tune with my emotions that I have to work very hard to regulate myself, even in life or death emergencies, to be a source of strength and comfort for him. So I have learned to stuff those emotions deep down and process them when I am alone, which is very rare.

“…I sometimes wonder if he knows where they are anymore.”

That was the line that made me really consider if I even know how to find those unhindered emotions anymore. To “feel” the way that everyone else does. After 11 years of learning how to cope with the hard I find myself no longer knowing what normal looks like.

This makes friendships hard. I feel like an alien in “normal” friendships- recognizing that I am not doing it right but not quite sure what right looks like.

Special needs parenting changes you. It is a form of trauma. It is a world of joy & grief, wins & losses, temporary & permanent. It is an isolating world with a language that not many can speak.

I am thankful that I belong to a God who truly knows me. He knows my motivations, my inner thoughts, my deep pains, and my insecurities. He doesn’t affirm them, but instead He refines and purifies me from them. I am so thankful that I am not my own.

Psalm 16:1-2 “Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You. I said to the Lord, ‘I have no good besides You.’”

This week I am reminded to seek refuge in Him and not in the dark closets I like to retreat in to allow myself to “feel”. To take all of my failures and fears and lay them down at His feet in surrender. And to trust that this cup He has placed in my hand is overflowing with strength, wisdom, and God’s sovereignty.

Please keep us in your prayers this week as Jake started the symptoms of sickness this evening. It is a matter of time before it hits the boys and usually a common cold will put Malachi back on supplemental oxygen for a few weeks. And lead to Levi’s airway swelling and lots of vomiting from his gag reflex. Join me in praying against all germs!

Sincerely,

Leah

School has started and our house has been a busy buzz of transition.

Jake teaches at our local high school, teaching Geometry, Dual Enrollment (college algebra, trigonometry, statistics, geometry) with the local community college, and a Technical Calculations math class. This is year 16 for him!

Levi and Malachi are each doing a hybrid style this year. Levi is enrolled in virtual public school and attends in person classes at a local Christian school. School does not come easy for Levi and we are navigating exactly what his his needs are and how to address them to allow him to be successful. The biggest challenge for him right now is his fine motor skills and he struggles to write. This struggle affects several facets of his education and he can get a little frustrated in the classroom.

He hasn’t had the smoothest start to his school year, shedding tears over being away from mom (a struggle every year after his surgeries). He has been an anxious mess so we can definitely use the prayers for a peace to come over him.

Malachi is officially a 6th grader, homeschooling with me this year and attending the same local Christian school each afternoon for specials with his peers. He is in choir, band, PE, handbells, and storytime. This is the first time this school has enrolled someone with higher level needs so we have an agreement that I stay on site while he is there.

Malachi’s excitement was off the charts leading up to his first day. As we drove over he grew very quiet and when I asked if he was a little nervous he signed yes. I dropped him off and as I watched him switch classes, surrounded by his peers, I became overwhelmed with emotions. I snapped this photo when Jake asked him how his first day went.

We have done formal school before with Malachi and his teachers were amazing. But he was isolated in a room with other students with disabilities all day- there wasn’t a true inclusion model. Malachi’s cognitive skills are that of an 11 year old and the older he got the more I desired for him to be immersed in the world and content of his age group.

Malachi is non-verbal but has so many thought and opinions. I do my best trying to “hear” him but sometimes I struggle with these big decisions. I try to put myself in his situation and think about what I would like if I were an 11 year old again and make decisions accordingly.

I have shared this before, but I read an interview several years ago that really resonated with me. The article introduced a man named Martin Pistorius; when Martin was a 12 year old he developed a severe sickness that rapidly deteriorated his health and mental condition and he fell into a vegetative state.

Several years into this illness Martin’s mind began to “wake up” but no one around him knew because he was unable to communicate. By age 19 he was aware of everything around him but still no one knew.

“However much I tried to beg and plead, shout and scream, I couldn’t make them notice me.”

Martin’s first impulse was to turn off his thoughts, since he saw no point in having them in the first place.

“You don’t really think about anything,” Martin said. “You simply exist. It’s a very dark place to find yourself because, in a sense, you are allowing yourself to vanish. It was terrifying at times. What really got to me was the complete and utter powerlessness. Every single aspect of your life is controlled and determined by someone else. They decide who you are, what you eat, whether you sit or lie down, in what positions you lie in, everything.”

One of his caregivers noticed that he could use his eyes to respond to her words and doctors sent him for testing which confirmed that he was conscious and aware of his surroundings.

In his late 20s Martin learned to use a computer and went on to graduate college with a degree in computer science and started his own web design company.

Martin went on to write a book called “Ghost Boy” about his experience of being trapped inside of his own body. Martin’s story has impacted me greatly and his perspective is such a gift for moms like me.

It has made me protective over his experiences and the people I allow him to be around, making sure that there is a respect there for the person that Malachi is, not the person we think him to be.

Last week I was walking through Home Depot with the boys and a stranger approached me and said “I am so proud of you for bringing him out in public. Most moms would keep him at home, away from the world. But the world needs to see kids like him.”

I had very mixed emotions in that moment, recognizing that her intent was to encourage me. But I also quickly filtered those words through the ears of my 11 year old son and when I did that they stung a little bit.

Our society has made such amazing progress in the last few decades in regard to individuals with disabilities. But we still have so much to learn on making this world a more inclusive place for all!

Back to life updates…

Our soccer season has launched! All four of us thoroughly enjoy this time of year.

Adjusting to new schedules is a little complex for our crew. I have been titrating medications, trying to get both boys on a reasonable med schedule so Levi doesn’t have to have meds administered while at school (something that he is embarrassed about this year).

Then there is the sleep schedule struggles. Levi has adapted pretty well to going to bed early, but Malachi locked in to 3am bedtimes all last week. Levi’s feeding pump has to be turned off at 6am and we have to be up by 7. We are running on fumes most days but I am hoping for progress this week.

In order to get Malachi ready to be out of my reach/interventions during the school day we have started all of his respiratory regiments back- nebulizer treatments, cough assist machine, and shaky vest before he gets his morning feeds and medications. The process to get him “safe” to be at school takes a little over two hours right now. It all has to be done in a very particular order to keep him from vomiting up his meds and feeds during the process. I am sure this routine will get easier but the thinking and timing required right now in my very tired momma brain has been a lot!

He is also entering teenager land and needs to have showers at least every other day. He has never been able to sweat, but that is changing and if we don’t keep hygiene on the top of the priority list he gets some pretty intense acne. Showers for Malachi are a process all on their own!

This week I started gathering some stacks of things to take to Goodwill and opened up those boxes I have continually ignored for the last several years. As I sorted through the items one by one I reached the bottom of the box and pulled out a pair of tiny shoes.

I bought these tiny shoes shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Malachi. As soon as the test read positive I knew in my heart that it was a boy and his name would be Malachi, “God’s Messenger”. I went to a consignment sale to purchase some clothing for my nephew and spotted this tiny little pair of shoes and they were my very first mom purchase.

We later used these shoes in my pregnancy announcement photo and he came very unexpectedly just a few weeks later.

As I looked at these shoes again this week I couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions. I had the sentimental “awwwww” moment that most moms get looking through baby items. I had a laughter moment, realizing that we never actually put Malachi in these shoes. And that was following by the deep pang of sadness as I processed the grief in the layers our journey. These simple shoes represent so many things in my heart.

I put them aside to donate them. Each day I walked by them I visited a different emotion. Each day as I processed each new emotion I watched the Lord speak quietly to my heart.

Psalm 40:1-6 “I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord. How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust, and has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; there is none to compare with You. If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count.”

The Lord replaced the story I had written for one of His own. And getting to unfold this story day by day for the last 11 years has deepened my love for the Father and His mysterious ways.

If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count.

Those tiny shoes have served as a reminder to me that God’s is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20) and to trust that His plans for our lives are far bigger than our own.

I might have to hang onto them a little while longer.

Much love,

Leah

As of tonight our summer has officially ended. Jake goes to work first thing in the morning and the boys schooling will start in a few days. Transitions are always difficult for our family and I am sure this week will be a wonky one!

The older and bigger that Malachi gets the more creative we have to be on helping him participate in the fun things around him. Over the last two weeks we have really stretched our physical limitations and boy has he had a blast. Inflatable water slides, indoor playgrounds, and time in the pool.

Levi has also had a memorable few weeks losing his first tooth, swimming, and riding his bike like a champ.

Jake and I were talking today about how much they have each changed this summer. Levi is growing up right before our eyes, both physically and cognitively. He is getting more consistent with his letters and their sounds and showing an interest in learning.

The amount of theological conversations that this child starts is genuinely mind blowing. Almost every night he asks some question that leads to all kinds of rabbit trails. Tonight he asked me if someone goes to jail does that mean that they don’t love Jesus. Which led to a lengthy conversation about repentance, forgiveness, and our sinful nature. The wheels in his mind spin every waking minute. And every sleeping minute apparently. He woke me up last week at 6:45 to ask me “What was Jesus’ last name?”

Malachi’s tastes for things is aging with him and he is offended by “little children” things (books, toys, movies, etc) He wants adventure and suspense. He loves a good plot line. This morning I was looking at him from far away and realizing what a young man he has become. I LOVE spending time with him- he is one the most genuine individuals I know and the fact that I get to spend so much time with him is a gift. I whispered to him tonight that we were about to get our special Malachi & mommy time back with the start of school approaching and he just grinned from ear to ear.

We have been really encouraging him to communicate as we prep him for going to a local school part time this year. He has been using his voice and his signs to try and communicate with us, and more importantly with others who are less familiar with his signs. He has been coming out of his shell a bit and expressing his likes and dislikes pretty clearly.

Physically he is growing and working hard in his therapies. We tried something called the spider cage last week and he was fascinated with the level of independence it provided.

And he still loves a good soccer match! Which is a good thing as our season begins next week.

There is a little anxiety that quietly brews in me at the end of each summer, knowing that our exposure to germs is about to skyrocket. But I have to keep reminding myself that we are aiming for quality of life over quantity of life and to leave it in God’s hands where it belongs.

I have been struggling with a lot of insecurities lately, particularly around my parenting. Am I doing enough for them spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally? Am I giving enough of my time and energy? Am I investing my time and energy into the right things with them?

The truth is that I will never achieve a level of parenting that I am fully satisfied with; and trying to do so is aiming at the wrong target.

Proverbs 21:21 “Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor.”

When our eyes are focuses on pursuing Christ the overflow of that pursuit will create sufficiency.

A walk with Christ doesn’t demand perfection…but it expects a striving for the one who is perfect. In fact, a walk with Christ often brings those imperfections to the surface where they can be seen, acknowledged, and removed by Him (sanctification).

Ahhh my heart is beating fast as I feel led into a time of transparency. Vulnerability is very hard for me.

I read a quote and it hit me in a profound way, specifically with some things I have been struggling with.

May Jesus be seen in me in spite of me.

A few months ago someone told me that I was living the life of a hypocrite and that they didn’t believe that I hear from the Lord. These words wrecked me in ways that I am not ready to get into. I long for my life to be an unclouded reflection of the Father. One of my continual prayers is that Christ be magnified and seen in my life and in the testimony we have been given. But in true Leah fashion I can smear a lot of things onto that mirror that make that reflection of Him hard to see.

I am an imperfect person. I am a sub-par Christian. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I have a sin nature. The flesh in me battles the Spirit of God in me. I have motherhood moments, friendship moments, wife moments that I am not proud of. If I have ever conveyed anything other than this through these blogs or any conversations, I sincerely apologize and ask for your forgiveness.

Please hear me acknowledge this: I. Am. Broken.

But please listen to me when I say this: God is bigger than my imperfections.

And He uses earthen vessels- even filthy ones like me- to magnify His name. And oh, how I am thankful for His grace and mercy.

My prayer is that God shines through me in spite of me. This prayer doesn’t absolve me of a sincere and concerted effort to pursue righteousness and a relationship with God. But instead this prayer acknowledges that God is greater than any sabotage to His plans that my flesh can bring into a situation.

I pray that when you read these entries you see evidence of a Creator; and God’s story playing out in the life of our family. The intent of starting this blog was to highlight God’s many miracles in our family- and we are privileged to see miracle after miracle with these boys and even with our 16 years of marriage.

Galatians 2:19-21 “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”

With genuine sincerity,

Leah

We are in the final stretches of summer and thoroughly enjoying the family time these last few weeks have given our family! The boys are at fun ages for family activities and we have remained healthy enough to get out of the house and experience a version of “normalcy” that we could have only dreamed about over the last few years.

The amount of AMAZING Malachi smiles that we have gotten over the last two weeks has brought me joy. We went through a season where the smiles were rare when we were transitioning through formula and medication changes. But the joy that exudes from him these days makes me just want to hug the fire out of him. I love these boys so much!

We took the soccer girls to a semi-pro soccer game and rented the party pad right next to the sideline. Malachi loved being so close to the drama and giggled and shouted most of the match.

Levi had a friend join and also had the time of his life (without watching a single second of the game). He even got to go out on the field at halftime and take a penalty kick.

Every year we meet up with the Chick-Fil-a mom from Malachi’s viral post in 2017. When we first met that memorable day I was pregnant with Levi and here we are all these years later. It is such a special friendship!

We invited them to spend a day at our favorite exotic animal farm with us and gathered together some other sweet families to join in on the fun. The owners are friends of ours and just so incredibly accommodating with Malachi.

Malachi even got a huge kiss from his favorite camel, Abu.

I don’t have many photos of Levi on our farm day as he was so busy running around with his buddies.

We got home and recapped the adventures of that day and Malachi couldn’t stop giggling just talking about how much fun he had.

Levi has been doing some back to school shopping and got to pick out a big boy Bible and a case to put it in. He has been inviting us to Bible studies each night and picking out pages for us to read. His excitement is so sweet.

We have been working with his gastroenterologist to cut down on his g-tube feeds now that he is eating well and gaining good weight. We are down to a 6-hour formula feed each night and are hoping to keep dropping that down until we can eliminate g-tube feeds for him altogether. We will leave the g-tube in until he is capable of swallowing pills, as his seizure medication is a lifetime one and tastes awful. But these small steps of progress for him are encouraging.

This has been a season of quiet for me…something I am not used to and frankly a bit uncomfortable with. But the Lord has been very gracious through it and I have been able to hear His voice; He has been cultivating discernment within me in very specific ways and I am so thankful for continual sanctification.

I don’t have a specific devotional thought this week but I wanted to share a verse this week that has spoken to my heart and challenged me greatly.

Philippians 1:9-11 “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve the things that are excellent, in order to be sincere and blameless until the day of Christ; having been filled with the fruit of righteousness which comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.”

The next verse following this one packs a punch as well.

“Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel.” (Verse 12)

What a wonderful goal. That regardless of our circumstances the good news of what He’s done is woven throughout the storyline we have been given.

Sincerely,

Leah

It has been a whirlwind since our last update two weeks ago!

Let’s start with Levi’s big day in the operating room.

Yes, that is a smile in this photo! It is pretty rare to get smiles from him pre-op but a toy cell phone did the trick. We always try to find one “busy” toy for surgery day to give him something to look forward to and this year we settled on this small phone that is pre-loaded with apps, books, and games. It is for very small children and can’t do true phone things but in his mind he is just like the teens.

Levi was his typical anxious self as we waited for the surgeons to come in for pre-op talks. We discussed his current breathing and they watched several videos of Levi after various activities to be able to see how loud his breathing is after exertion.

After his dose of silly juice he was taken back to the operating room and I went to the waiting area with the other nervous parents. I can’t ever do an adequate job describing the emotions within this sitting area. But it is such a thick, fragile place to be in during a very vulnerable time.

Thankfully his procedure is usually pretty quick if they aren’t doing any trimming, and after about 45 minutes I was called up to head to a parent conference room off of the waiting room area.

Sometimes the surgeons are staggered and I get called into these conference rooms twice but this year they all came in together to talk, which I always prefer. Last year’s tone from the surgeons was very concerned and worried that we were entering some new difficult territory, even mentioning the possibility of having to do another rib graft in the future. But this year the tone was back to our normal one, encouraged that things were still anatomically safe and no trimming was needed this year. His arytenoids are starting to crowd the airway and will likely require another trimming in the next few years but they see no reason to do that in the next calendar year; if you are a medical nerd look up “Bernoulli Effect”.

They explained that the removal of his tonsils and adenoids last summer made more of a difference than they could have predicted. They said the interventions that they did last year successfully made his airway safe again, something they weren’t able to see until this surgery, hence the excitement! He still has some major tracheomalacia (floppy airway) due to the paralyzed vocal cords but his lungs tested great and show no signs of aspiration.

The surgeons said if he has quality of life with the amount of activity he is safely able to do then we will continue this pattern of annual scopes and interventions as needed until he stops growing and his airway is a determined, permanent size. Until that happens there is always a potential that the opening to his airway won’t grow at the same rate as him.

If Levi ever wants to pursue something more active that requires more of an airway they we will let that drive the options presented. We have more invasive surgeries that we could do that will allow him to breathe easier but they have the potential to remove his ability to speak and eat. That is a decision we would like to allow Levi to make when he is old enough to do so.

Levi struggled post op to come out of anesthesia, and truthfully it lasted all the way through Kentucky after as we drove home. We pulled into the driveway around midnight and were so happy to be back home as a family.

Now for some Jake updates.

Jake had his LASIK procedure about a week and a half ago and his healing has gone very well. He is thrilled with the results and adjusting to being able to see well and not have as many headaches, praise the Lord!

Malachi has been such a trooper through all of this. He is slowly adjusting to his new formula and the reflux, excess seizures from the change, and the general discomfort seems to be getting better by the week.

He can’t see the TV but loves listening to professional soccer games. This particular one went to a penalty kick shootout and this was his smile when the winning team made their final goal. I just love him.

Jake has been helping him play the old school Nintendo. Even though he can’t see the screen he likes the auditory feedback and drama haha.

The week of Levi’s surgery was absolutely intense. We spent hours and hours driving to each of the (what ended up being) 10 appointments and 2 surgeries. If I am being perfectly honest, we over-committed and I was regretful after the first day. But those appointments are difficult to get, usually scheduled 6 months out) and canceling just didn’t feel like an option. So we did our best.

I still hadn’t given myself time to process my emotions from Cincinnati and I could feel the pressure building. One of the things many people don’t think about is the amount of phone calls we have to navigate on a daily basis with medically complex kids. For every single specialist appointment we got at least one reminder call and voicemail. Then add in the text reminders, email reminders, request for feedback after, and post visit notes. For just the kids appointments I received 46 emails in 5 days. And that is not counting any texts or phone calls.

By the middle of the week my brain had had enough and I just had to turn off my notifications and ringer to be able to focus. And by the end of the week I finally had my emotional overflow cry in the closet.

Even though it was a difficult week God was still very present and active in each of our situations. I was gifted generous portions of His peace this year as we navigated hard things, and I am so thankful to God.

I kept remembering what a miracle we have been given in the things that Levi can do. And that led me to the many miracles that have taken place in Malachi’s life. The many times he has been brought back from the edge of death.

Jake was put on restrictions to not mow the grass or do anything that could get dust or debris in his eyes and our grass was past the point of needing attention. As I rolled out the mower deep down I had a burst of excitement as I thought about the chance to be alone. Levi’s anxiety has been out of control for about a year now and if I leave his line of vision he completely breaks down. Leading closer to surgery this understandably heightened. And Malachi requires 24 hour care, which I am honored to be able to give him. The result is very few moments of alone time.

As I climbed onto the mower I also had the luxury of putting on a pair of noise canceling headphones, something I can’t do due to being on seizure patrol 24/7. And I pulled up the Bible Recap plan that Jake and I have been working through since January 1st. I was mowing along when I heard a verse and had to stop and play it again.

The story was from 2 Chronicles 16 and it was talking about a king named Asa who developed a disease in his feet. The next verse was so simple, but after the week we had it hit my heart a little differently.

“His disease was severe, yet even in his disease he did not seek the Lord, but the physicians.”

As I heard this verse I felt conviction from the Holy Spirit. I am not exactly certain when the shift happened, but I have begun to speak to God less and less about the severe struggles of my children. I pray for overall healing, I pray for victories both large and small, I pray for their comfort within their medical diagnoses. But I have not done a very good job “seeking the Lord” and being specific with God in my prayers.

Historically when we have had big decisions to make this was a natural inclination for me. We sought the Lord and obeyed the direction He led us. But now that we are in the nitty gritty of medical life I have not prioritized seeking Him over others for the solutions.

Definitely a needed reminder for me! God has granted wisdom to many of the doctors and specialists in my boys lives, but why not talk to the source of that wisdom instead of solely leaning on their words of wisdom. In all things, big and small, I need to be seeking the Lord’s guidance more.

The story of King Asa keeps going in 2 Chronicles and after his death his son, Jehoshaphat becomes the new king. He heard that a great army of men were coming to invade Judah and his first reaction was a beautiful one. The Bible tells us in 2 Chronicles 20:3 “Jehoshaphat was afraid and turned his attention to seek the Lord.”

In his moment of distress his first reaction was to surrender his plans to to God. He gathered all of the people of Judah and together they sought the Lord. During this gathering he leads a prayer and his final words in that prayer really pierced my heart this week.

“For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

The humility in this prayer is so beautiful. And the trust in the Lord is so evident! What an example to Judah and what an example to us even now. But the story gets even better.

The Spirit of the Lord came upon one of the Levites in the assembly and he said, “Thus says the Lord to you, ‘Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God’s….You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the Lord is with you.”

The next morning Jehoshaphat appointed a group of worshippers to go before the army to sing praises to God. When they began singing to the Lord He created chaos on the battlefield causing each attacking army represented there to kill one another. By the time Judah arrived to the battlefield all of their enemies had been destroyed.

I don’t know why this story meant so much to me this week. But it spoke volumes to me, getting to see such confident and bold faith played out as they entered this battle. They praised God for the victory before the battle even began! What a posture of faith!

I don’t know what battles you may be facing right now but I am hoping that this account in scripture can also impact you. May we all be able to speak the words to God: “Our eyes are on you.”

Thank you for the kindness, concern, and prayers this month.

Sincerely,

Leah

It is 1:00 in the morning and I can’t get my brain to calm down so I figured it would be a good time to write this week’s blog.

The last few weeks have been filled with play dates, playground family time, and lots of family adventures.

We celebrated Father’s Day with some ice cream! We are so thankful for Jake and the amazing father that he is!

Levi and I are in Cincinnati and he will head to the operating room today for another microlaryngoscopy and bronchoscopy with lung lavage. This is a dual procedure done by his Cincinnati team so each group will do their part and separately meet with me after.

The older he gets the later his operating room time is, as they give the early slots to the youngest children. Tomorrow’s check in is at noon and he has officially gone NPO (no food by mouth) until after surgery. This is hard to navigate with a hungry 6 year old so I let him stay up as late as his little eyes would allow him to, hoping he would sleep in!

We typically have to go up for pre-ops with each specialist several days in advance but their calendars were full this year so they are going to do pre-ops in the literal surgery pre-op area.

We sign off on all routine trimming and dilating as needed once they get a visual look at his airway. Sometimes they trim the arytenoids back if they are blocking his airway, sometimes they attempt a balloon dilation (although I think we are past the point of that being a productive option), and sometimes other minor trimming is needed. If they find anything major that needs to be done we reschedule that for a later time and come back to Cincinnati. This year will be a true outpatient procedure, assuming all goes as planned.

They will also clean his lungs and test the fluid inside of them to determine if he is aspirating any food or liquids (a very common problem with bilateral vocal cord paralysis).

Last year was a pretty traumatic surgery and recovery for Levi. He was in significant amounts of pain and I was afraid his body wouldn’t easily forget that trauma. And this week that has proven to be correct. He is dealing with some pretty big emotions, mainly anger.

He and I made the trip up a few days early to allow him to do some fun things, hoping the time together doing fun things would help smooth the road before we do the hard things.

We went straight to Kings Island, an amusement park in Cincinnati, for some roller coaster fun. He rode every single coaster in the kids area multiple times, including some questionably big ones for his size! His smiles were such a treasure to me.

We spent lots of time with family, making sure to visit all the Ohio grandmas. My boys are blessed to have all of their grandmas and great grandmas in their lives!

We also went to the Air Force Museum and we were very impressed! If you are ever in the Dayton, OH area or have a love for planes you will have to check this place out. Admission is free and we could have spent hours there.

Malachi and Jake stayed in Tennessee this year and are enjoying some guy time this weekend. I miss them terribly, but the one on one time with Levi is always a valuable gift before a hard operating room handoff.

Malachi has been trying out some new communication devices and it has been amazing to watch. He is enjoying having his opinions be heard loud and clear through switches (our recordable voice but activated by him).

He is developing quite the sense of humor these days and pulled a trick on me the night before Levi and I left for Cincinnati. It was 2am and he was clearly trying to get my attention and holding his lipped pursed (his sign for sad).

I asked him why he was so sad and went through a list of options.

Are you hurt? No

Is your stomach upset? No

Does your head hurt? No

Are you sad mommy is leaving for Ohio tomorrow? YES YES; and he continued to hold his mouth in a firm sad face.

At this point I got emotional, also feeling the weight of the week on my relationship with Malachi. I explained through my tears that there are times where one brother really needs mom and that I would miss him terribly while we were gone. I asked him for a hug and he signed yes, and when I leaned in he started cackling. He laughed and laughed, smirking with a sly smile.

I asked him “Malachi, were you just kidding?” And he signed a hearty YES YES back to me. I asked him “So are you really not sad that I am leaving?” And he signed NO back to me, all while continuing to laugh. He is becoming quite the prankster.

Today marks Levi’s 31st procedure. His story is so unique, so beautiful, and so full of God moments. It has profoundly affected him (and I) in so many ways. Levi is God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works that God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). And while I believe that with all my heart and know it to be true sometimes the will of God is hard to accept.

Levi and I are sharing a bed here in Ohio and two nights ago as we put our heads on our pillows he turned and said “Mom, will you tell me the story about Jesus’ crucifixion again- how he died for my sins?”

It was such a specific request. I snuggled up with him and started the story with Jesus heading to the garden to pray. And as I talked with Levi about Christ’s prayer in the garden it was very clear to me that this prompting from Levi was the work of the Holy Spirit.

Luke 22:40-43

“When He arrived at the place, He said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” And He withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” Now an angel from heaven appeared to Him, strengthening Him.”

Levi wanted to know what Jesus meant and it was such a beautiful opportunity to explain that even Jesus spoke his desires to God- and accepted the hard things that God asked Him to do, knowing it was all a part of a big plan for Jesus’ life.

I have prayed that same prayer over Levi’s “cup”….but I am guilty of stopping it too soon.

Yet not my will but yours be done.

It was a much needed reminder to my heart that God has a purpose for our suffering and that He is using it for His glory.

One more final thought that I want to share with you. Levi has been struggling with intense fear over the last several months. It has been a gripping fear- if I leave the room he is in he starts panicking. As the surgery date has come closer this fear has been multiplied and affects a large part of his day. But over the last two days I have listened to him sing the same song over and over again, word for word, and I believe with everything in me that God has intentionally put this song into his heart this weekend. Every time I hear his little voice speak these words I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit…

I asked him what song he was singing and he said “Tremble Mama!” Here are some of the words he has been singing on repeat:

Peace, bring it all to peace
The storms surrounding me
Let it break at Your Name
Still, call the sea to still
The rage in me to still
Every wave at Your Name
Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble
Jesus, Jesus, You silence fear
Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble
Jesus, Jesus
Breathe, call these bones to live
Call these lungs to sing
Once again, I will praise

Thank you God for seeing my son’s fear and giving him a song in his heart to help him overcome it.

Psalm 56:3-4 “When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?”

Please pray for our family this week. In addition to today’s Cincinnati surgery we have 7 more appointments for the boys in Chattanooga starting tomorrow, and we have also added a LASIK surgery and two additional appointments for Jake. It is an overwhelming week that will require some faith and refilling from the Lord.

Sincerely,

Leah